


all new, faded for her

by javajoy



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Ben Solo has a Ph.D in braiding hair, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Dragon Age References, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, First Time, Gray Jedi, Heavy Angst, Kylo Ren Redemption, Loss of Virginity, Parental Issues, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Solo, Smut, Soft Ben Solo, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Throne Room Scene, Virgin Kylo Ren, Virgin Rey (Star Wars), babies after ever after, rey niima
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-30
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-02 05:48:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 39,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23919964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/javajoy/pseuds/javajoy
Summary: While on the elevator ride to Snoke's Crimson Throne Room; Rey kisses Ben, altering the heartbreaking outcome that had been awaiting them. Setting the future that had been destined aflame as Ben extends his hand with a new offer.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 79
Kudos: 418





	1. Chapter 1

Luke Skywalker steals the moment from her.

From _them_.

A warm crackling fire, quiet embers scattered among the translucent smoke. A canvas afghan, scratching sensitive skin; wet clothes drying by the fire, clinging to her body. A phantom corpse sitting across from her, reaching out to her, holding her with an ungloved hand.

Dazzling visions with dazzling promises. Heart bursting in her chest, her future intertwining his fingers around hers. Flashes of his past, flashes of their future, glimpses of a happy ending. A _home_. All of his truth, every lie. Ben Solo was bleeding into her soul and she knew that she bled into his.

Connecting them together until their bones turned to dust.

And then Luke Skywalker entered the scene. Crumbling the tiny hut around them, bringing in freezing rain and a dark sky. The truth vibrating in the air between the three of them, lingering until the Force stole Ben away. Protecting him from the true monster in his family.

The shawl slides off of her body, drifting into the small, muddy puddle. Rage _screaming_ in her ears, boiling her veins.

✨✨✨

All the building rage that had accumulated within her over the course of the previous days had been drowned by her self pity and depression. There was no fight, no light in her eyes as she climbed herself out of the not-quite submerged cave. The rocks that scratched and bled her palms were the very same that caused her footing to slip. Threatening to send her crashing back down before the black mirror.

She prevailed, despite the failures and insecurities licking her heels. She overcame the crumbling walls; crawling out of the underworld. Stood upright above the cliff, still surrounded by the abyss. Dark, foreboding storm clouds robbed her of the starlight she had admired only hours ago.

The crescendo of sorrow rang in the raging winds as numb legs found her way back to the tiny village.

Freezing air followed her, settling into her bones, creating icicles in her lungs. The rain began the moment the little huts come into view, cold water droplets cutting her cheeks as she stumbled down the stone path.

Luke's door was closed; the caretakers turned their lights out when they heard her approaching. She quietly considered that she could keep walking, another mile or so until the ramp of the _Falcon_ awaited her.

But the other occupant of the ship was only a stranger, his presence serving as a final favor to a dead friend; the _Resistance_ hadn't even bothered to check up on them and Luke wouldn't train her outside of misleading jokes. As the rainwater began to soak in her clothing, she questioned why she had come to this island at all.

Just as isolated as she had been on Jakku, the loneliness never easing, never freeing her. Secluded from strangers and her own blood. _Let the past die. Kill it if you have to_. How could she kill that which was drowning her; how could she move forward when the future had always been an impossibility.

Her fingers had scarcely curled around the handle to a hut that was only hers in name alone when she felt the shift in the Force. The chills that ran down her spine, oxygen stolen from her throat, quiet flutters in her core. The entire feeling as unnatural as it was welcoming.

A smarter woman would have walked away, a woman of the _Resistance_ , a woman who could use the Force beyond lifting rocks, a wiser woman who hadn't shattered a thousand times over before a supernatural mirror. A woman worthy of being a Jedi of myth.

That wasn't her.

After a lone moment of hesitation she enters the room. Her eyes wandered from his scar to dark eyes that she could have almost mistaken as soft. Kylo Ren was dressed all in black, his presence in the room felt more real than it had in the past.

It was as though she could reach out to him, touch his hair, his face.

He regarded her with a threatening, curious expression. "Rey," The polite acknowledgment crumbled her.

Her enemy across the stars, offering her more kindness in one word than anyone on the island had in all of theirs. She averted her gaze, quickly and quietly removing the grey vest from her body. Dropping the fabric onto the dirt as she reached for something dry.

A tear runs down her cheek as Rey wrapped her arms around herself. _It's just the smoke_. The lie sat on her tongue, finding herself unable to tell it. Kylo Ren watched her from the other side of the room, quiet for the first time during all of their connections.

Chewing on her lower lip, Rey turned herself to face him. "I don't-" Her voice cracked, embarrassment flooded her cheeks. "I-" Rey attempted again.

When no words found her, Kylo Ren quietly- slowly, took a seat. Patiently waiting for whatever she had to say. The action struck Rey as something only _Kylo Ren_ would do. His version of a peace offering while they endured a connection they did not understand nor ask for.

Rey didn't want his pity, and she shouldn't have looked to the likes of him for compassion. _I didn't hate him_. She was so lonely, she was so _tired_ of being lonely and he had seen the darkness within her during their brief interactions.

He was possibly the one person in the galaxy she could be honest with. How cruel that was of the universe.

"There's so little I remember about my parents." Her voice had been so quiet, Rey expected Kylo Ren to request that she repeat herself, but he only nodded. "There's no memories of my father."

The distance closed more between them as Rey sat down before her legs had the opportunity to give out below her. No longer across the stars from one another, only across a small fire pit.

Trembling before him as she confessed, "I used to remember more about my mother," Rey buries her nails into her flesh of her palm to prevent more tears from falling. "As the years passed by on Jakku, its faded everything. I can't remember her face, or her voice. Just, blonde hair that was done up like mine, matching eyes, maybe a freckle or two."

_I don't even know if those are real_ was what Rey left unsaid. Kylo knew, he could understand what she didn't want to acknowledge. Her doubt and disillusionment were worn on her sleeve, opposite her heart.

The attention was suddenly too much, "What do you remember when you think about your mother?" Her words were rushed, inconsiderate; yet to her surprise, Kylo's voice was soft as he responded.

"She smelled of lilac and lavenders." Pauses, then said. "My father searched the galaxy for a bottle of Alderaan hair oils, which he used in place of a ring in his proposal. She used it sparingly, but I was young and didn't understand that. Whenever she was away for longer than a day I would sneak in, pouring the oil over my hands." He stopped there, the tears that fell from his eyes a surprise to both of them.

Kylo fought to find his breath. "She- assured me through my crying fit that she would acquire one of better quality and I shouldn't waste my tears over scented hair oils, but I knew that I had taken something from her that was irreplaceable." More despair than anger weighed on his shoulders. "She had hidden the bottle- wrapped it up in cloth and placed it in my bags when I left home." He didn't hide his tears, didn't hide his pain. "It's the only reminder of home that I kept."

There was no transformation that occurred, Kylo Ren had remained before her, but a flicker of a lost boy lingered. There was a growing warmth in the connection.

"You have her eyes," Rey whispered. "Her freckles, her chin." They were both products of their respective mother's features.

The reminder had pained him, finally stealing his eyes away from her. Jaw slack as he softly challenged her to share something in return. "Any memories of your mother that aren't faded?" A cruel question, she shouldn't have expected anything else.

Yet she answered him. "One, I believe. I'm sitting in her lap, she's laughing loudly as I'm clutching her robes. She, spills her drink on me, laughs through her apology." Rey thought about every detail that followed the memory. "Her robes are red, there's a spider crawling on the table next to us. There's a freckle on her neck I kept starring at, and an old droid with faded lights in the corner. My mum smiles as she presses kisses into my hair."

Rey yearned for a phantom touch to confirm the memory, for the memory to press a gentle kiss on her forehead. But she's alone, whatever ghosts haunted the island did not belong to her.

Kylo spoke again. "When I had trouble sleeping, my-" A pained breath follows, "My father would take me onto his ship; he would only have to fly around the planet once before I was out. To this day, falling asleep without engines roaring around me feels unnatural." Kylo had shattered his mask, yet he still attempted to cover up his emotions. "What happened was for the best.

He was trying to convince himself, "You didn't hate your father." Rey reminded him.

He couldn't lie to her. Dragging his teeth over the swell of his lip, only delaying his answer for a few heartbeats. "I didn't," Kylo confirmed. "Resented, yes." A twitch pulled at the corner of his mouth, a flash of reluctance before his next confession. "Love lingers."

Kylo Ren _wanted_ to be a man proud of slaughtering his father. He wanted to wear the murder of Han Solo like a badge of honor. A victory in his frightening legacy from the Dark Side.

But he mourned the man the galaxy lost; like Rey, he wasn't the person he wanted to be. The person he _should_ be.

"A handful of pleasant memories doesn't make up for their negligence." Kylo defends. "I wanted more from my parents, what do you want from yours?"

She matched the aggression that flared in him.

"I want more, _you_ told me to let the past die," Kylo swallowed, the fight that had risen within him dying just as quickly as it had been born. "After you said that, I decided that if they weren't going to search me out on Jakku, then I would start looking for them."

She should have stopped the story there, understood her unspoken place outside of the narrative. Remained as loyal to Luke Skywalker and the _Resistance_ as she was able to. He was the Jedi killer, and she was unworthy of that knighthood.

But there was something akin to compassion in those dark brown eyes, something that lingered behind his anger.

"There's something beneath the island," Rey whispered.


	2. Chapter 2

Her voice did not tremble as she spoke to him.

_I should have felt scared or even trapped, but I didn't. This didn't go on forever._

Flashes of blonde hair and hazel eyes. A blurry face that had been long since lost to her memory. A mother she had been chasing after for the past fourteen years of her life. Clinging to faded moments and details that Rey was no longer sure of.

_I've never felt so alone._

A black mirror littered with scratches and cracks. Covered in dust, clouded by a lifetime of delusion. A thousand women before her, each and everyone wearing her likeness. They had offered her no sympathy when Rey had fallen down onto her knees.

_You're not alone._

The past was nothing more than a corpse that she had to leave behind. A skeletal hand she's held onto for far too long. All the answers she would never get, a life that had never belonged to her.

_Neither are you._

But there was _something_ before her.

A few stray tears had fallen from his olive brown eyes. Kylo Ren had offered her kindness, and compassion. Unbridled empathy and no judgment. He had given her all of those without reservations or expectations.

It was the truth of his words. The realization that for the first time, for as far back as Rey could remember, she truly wasn't alone.

Kylo bestowed understanding and light comfort onto her, Rey longed to return that same kindness. She longed to learn more about his past, to hear more about the little boy with oil on his hands, the little boy who didn't know better.

Rey wanted to learn about all his pain and mistakes, offer him forgiveness for them even if she had no right to. That same wanting was clear in Kylo, lingering in those big, sad eyes. A clear reflection in this new black mirror.

There was a sorrowful humiliation that had crept in from the outside as they bathed in mutual sympathy. Bringing in the chill of the rain through the cracks of the tiny hut.

The fact that though they had deemed the other their enemy, they were the only ones in the galaxy willing to show the other compassion.

_It's not too late._

Kylo's lips had parted at her words, he believed her claim and that belief _pained_ him. The light that his parents had told Rey about flared within him. She felt the presence of his light, dim as it was.

Rey could keep her distance while attempting to encourage this man away from the dark; but she wanted to see his light. She wanted to feel his struggle and offer him gentle comfort.

Rey reached for him, cautious, curious, and certain.

Kylo removed his black glove, his soft pale skin gentle against the light of the fire.

Neither of them had dared to draw breath. Suffocating silently as time slowed down.

Then his fingertips caressed hers.

Rey gasps at the golden light that enfolds her. Rippling, pulsing waves of comfort, warming her sorrow and heart. Pure euphoria and ecstasy. An electric center that blinds her from everything that isn't him.

With each heartbeat, Rey bears witness to moments of his life, quickly escaping her, displaying a newer memory.

Knowledge of him she would have never known. The dimples of a smile she had never seen, the sound of a laugh she had never heard. That which brings him joy, that which brings him pain.

She watches brief glimpses of Ben Solo as he grows, watches a shy gentle boy with his nose buried in his novels. Ben who holds his mother and cries when the time comes for him to leave home. Ben who has to work twice as hard as the other padawans to earn acknowledgment from his uncle.

She watches as Luke Skywalker looms over his bed, acidic green light flooding the room.

Then Ben is dressed in black, with a predator holding his shoulder. Ben who is known to wear a mask because he is quick to cry and wears his heart on his sleeve. Ben who wanted to be the evil creature everyone claimed he was.

Ben who called himself Kylo Ren. Ben who carried her onto his ship, who watched her until she woke up to assure that no one would hurt her. Ben who left his body when he killed his father, Ben who cried and mourned, Ben who hated himself for what he had done.

Ben who couldn't kill his mother. Ben who watched her now and cried for her.

The vision continued beyond the present. Ben who's hair was growing longer, Ben who wore a light smile on his face as sunlight washed over him.

Ben holding his lightsaber, but a white beam extends from the hilt instead. Ben who was holding a young girl, her hair worn in three buns.

And then there is Ben, who's torn away from her when Luke Skywalker enters the hut. Shouting and destroying the building. Cold rainwater enters next, stinging her flesh and extinguishing the fire. Lost in the darkness once more, her future ripped away to the other side of the galaxy.

She stands in the black abyss, lightning flashing across the sky and her fists shake at her side. The coarse shawl she had worn drifting to the ground. Now covered in mud and rainwater.

Rey turns to face the monster of Ben's past. Rage _burning_ inside of her. "Is it true!" She demands "Did you try to murder him?"

"Leave this island, now!" Luke Skywalker attempts to walk away after giving his final command, but Rey is certain of his guilt. She _knows_ it.

So her hand falls on her staff, following him out into the cold, dark night.

✨✨✨

She strikes him in the back, between his shoulder blades. Though he had been willing to fight back, Luke is frightened enough to use the Force to disarm her. Sending her weapon far out of her reach, but Rey's anger finds delight in his action.

She feels justified in calling _her_ lightsaber into hand. A blue light igniting, the sapphire color burning her eyes as Rey truly considers striking down the last Jedi Knight.

Just as he had attempted to do to Ben.

Rey contains enough clarity to only keep her hand raised, and Luke has become rational enough to talk.

✨✨✨

_This is not going to go the way you think._

What does he know of her? Luke had compared her to Ben Solo not many hours ago. Luke had no interest in gathering information about her beyond her home planet. Luke knew _nothing_ of her future.

The Force had shown her the truth, the connection she shared with Ben, quick glimpses of his life, endless questions she would ask him once she found him. The promise of their life together, _a fleeting image of their daughter._

Rey now possessed that which Luke Skywalker had cast aside: Hope.

A bitter old man, a shadow of his former glory and myth. Luke Skywalker could remain on this island until his death for all she cared.

✨✨✨

Rey departs with the sole claim that her collection of Ben Solo was for the benefit of the Resistance- of the war.

She hadn't lied. Ben would join her in the light and together they would bring harmonic balance to the Force.

There was just a grander reason for her crossing the galaxy.

✨✨✨

Her white shirt lays in a crumpled heap on the floor of the Falcon. Rey quickly dabs her bare skin with a towel as she searches for clean clothing.

Opening drawers, hands skitting across everything which belonged to a dead man. Porgs have built nests throughout the ship, and everything inside. One determined to make herself comfortable by crawling into Rey's bag.

Rey can't chase after the animal, at least not at this moment. She would have to eventually before she forgot but for now, Rey was busy stepping into dark grey leggings, pulling a black vest over her body.

Combing out her hair, counting the seconds until the Falcon began to lift into the air.

✨✨✨

Rey crawls into the impossibly small escape pod, the Falcons pilot watching her wearily as she does so.

She smiles at him, praying to the stars that she doesn't reveal too much in it.

✨✨✨

Rey watches the stars as her pod rattles in the vacuum of space. Cold but not alone, not truly. A hard jolt rocks her container as a First Order ship intercepts her orbit. Drawing her closer.

She knows Ben will be there waiting for her when she docks. She knows this in the way she knows her own name, her own body. A universal truth etched in her soul.

✨✨✨

Except Ben isn't smiling when she sees him.

✨✨✨

Rey longs to reach out to him once the lid of the escape pod opens. Her fingers lightly twitch as she painfully resists the urge. Stormtroopers surround them, and a look akin to controlled panic hangs under Ben's eyes.

Olive brown eyes which glance at her lightsaber before finding her gaze. Ben silently holds out his hand, patiently waiting for her to hand over the lightsaber that she supposes does belong more to his family's legacy than it does to her.

But the lightsaber had chosen her,

And Ben _knows_ why she's come.

So Rey flexes her fingers around the hilt, keeping the weapon at her side. Tilting her head upwards at Ben, holding him steady in her gaze.

The panic which Rey had observed only grows within him, slowly losing his cultivated control. The look which Ben gives her now is different, understanding and pleading.

Rey only holds her defiance for another extended moment before wordlessly relenting the saber to him.

Ben's lips part slightly, relife and thanks take hold of his features. That release only eases him for a moment until a guard steps forward. "Should we execute her?"

"No." His voice is deep, threatening. "She's to remain unharmed." He sounds dangerous, Rey doesn't miss the way the guard leans away from him.

An officer is the next to speak. "We'll have her cuffed and-" Ben never looks away from Rey as he scolds his men.

"There's no need, I'll be escorting her directly to the Supreme Leader." He's attempting to keep his face neutral, indifferent.

But Rey knows him better, "We should still cuff-" She sees every emotion that torments him, even if everyone in the room expects nothing but aggression from _Kylo Ren._

"No." Finally, Ben steps towards her.

Olive brown eyes burning into her. Sharing and drowning in the longing that plagues them. Yearning which was strong enough to kill them both.

He places his hand low on her back, putting gentle pressure there, urging her to start walking. Anxiety flares in Rey, absurd dread that Ben would remove his hand after a few steps; but he doesn't. Ben keeps his hand in place as they make their way through the Finalizer,

All the way until they reach the elevator.

✨✨✨

The elevator is a blinding white grid. Cramped and confined, especially so with her present company. "Where's your ship?" Rey whispers even though the doors have closed.

Ben holds her at a distance with a light look of guilt, his grasp on the legacy saber tightening. "Back at the hanger where you arrived."

Rey finds only confusion at his answer, shaking her head, "Why didn't you order them to clear the area?" She takes a step forward, Ben reacts as though she's backing him into a corner. As though she were the most dangerous one in the room despite the fact that he was larger than life and possessed _both_ their weapons.

Ben doesn't answer her, he doesn't have too.

Instead, Ben says, "You are stronger than you realize. This needs to be done now, and I need you by my side when it happens."

"You're taking me to Snoke?" Cold fear stills her heartbeat, had Ben not witnessed the vision, their future? He couldn't possibly still be attempting to exist as a man he wasn't.

The guilt which Ben bears only grows. "This will-"

She doesn't want his reasoning, approaching him more, truly cornering him. "You don't have to do this." Ben's lips draw into a tight frown, anguish in his eyes. "There's another way."

There's a slip in his demeanor, projecting his doubt in his Force signature. Ben breaks her gaze as he works to conceal his emotions.

"Ben."

He looks as though she were killing him.

Still, Rey reaches for him, placing a gentle finger on the sleeve of his shirt.

Whatever Ben was planning, he was far more afraid of the elevator doors opening than Rey was. The tremble in his lip, as well as the haunted look in his red rimmed eyes, informed Rey of such.

He was scared, but she was _here_. "Ben," He looks back to her when Rey repeats his name. "When we touched hands, I saw your future." _Their_ future "Just the shape of it, but solid and clear." Rey takes another step, her other hand rising to rest on his chest. "You'll turn, I'll help you."

Doubt and confusion still linger in him, as though he doesn't believe what she tells him. His eyes search her face as he thinks of what his response should be,

But Rey only wanted one reaction from him, and she couldn't risk Ben doing anything else.

Fisting the material of his jacket sleeves in her hands, Rey surges upwards, quickly planting a light kiss on his lips before lowering herself back down.

Her hands maintain their hold on him as Rey desperately searches for his reaction.

Ben's jaw is slack, no air enters or leaves him.

He says nothing even as the moments pass them. Even as doubt begins to build in Rey.

Yet, just as she's about to retreat, just as she's about to question everything her vision had shown her, Ben acts. His hands wrap around her in intense desperation as Ben claims her lips.

His kiss is gentle, soft; Rey releases her hold on his clothing to instead wrap her arms around his neck. They cling to one another as their kiss builds in intensity, as the desperation and loneliness grows, until the elevator doors open,

And a cruel, distance chuckle paralyzes them.


	3. Chapter 3

Her lips remain on his.

A gentle press of plush, soft skin. An electric pulse, live and flourishing. Lacking any threatening indication, only a promise of harmonic peace. Large hands still bound in leather gloves tighten their hold on her from where they have been placed on her back. Fisting the dark gray materials she has draped over her small frame in their grasp.

_This_ was their universal inevitability. Held in the others embrace, locked in a fated kiss. His firm torso pressed against hers, both lost in the feeling of the other's body beneath layers of fabric.

Beyond the biological effect, their kiss had, their mental and force sensitivities _frenzied_ at their connection. Specifically, the majority of those reactions were beheld by _Ben._ The artificial air surrounding them shattering. Deep, thunderous cracks, spreading throughout the area. Mental wards and reservoirs which had been carefully constructed and preserved _breaking_ , crumbling with each moment that passed by with his lips against hers.

Golden light poured through the broken pieces. Shimmering white specks among the gold glitter. Swirling around them both, attempting to keep them _safe_. The visions that had been gifted to Rey failed to make a reappearance.

However, Rey found separate confirmations of her destiny, in the way his arms wrapped around her, drowning her in a feeling akin to _coming home_ , in the light that was now pouring from Ben.

It's something of a tragedy, the dark chuckle which paralyzes them in place.

The kiss never ends, even as the force traps them where they stand. A freezing hold against their skin, stealing the very warmth from their flesh. Her heart strains to continue beating, her lungs scarcely manage a shallow breath. Even the marrow in her bones is no opponent against the force which holds them.

The golden light from Ben taints to grey, pure unadulterated fear replacing all hope that had found him. The muddle sensation leaving her as Ben attempts to retreat back into the safety of his own mind.

Rey _fights_ to open her eyes, to observe Ben in this moment. Her eyelids are heavier than exhaustion, unwilling to obey even as her begging ascends into desperation. Miraculously, whatever plea that Rey screams out into the force is heard.

A sharp inhale of oxygen hits her lungs as her lashes shoot open. Held in Ben's strong gaze, unimaginable panic clouding those olive brown eyes. The bright white light from the elevator showcases his pale skin, the light reflecting his hair.

Dark brown highlights that had been hidden from her before. That is Rey's final thought before a cold force smashes her into the ground.

✨✨✨

She's ripped from Ben as her body crashes against the floor of the elevator, the sound of Ben's fall, the sound of air rushing from his lungs rings in Rey's ears. They're still close enough that their hair splashes and tangles together on the black tiles.

Ben's trembling before her, a shaking gloved hand slowly moving towards her; but the force snakes a hand up her calf, allowing her one moment of dread before dragging her out of the elevator.

Sliding down a grand walk way into a vast chamber at great velocity. Scarcely managing to keep her neck elevated, saving the flesh on her cheek from being ripped open by the friction. She's plunged deeper and deeper into the room until she's flung straight up into the air.

Crimson walls and a crimson ceiling flood her senses. Rey is only a lone victim in the galaxy, drowning in the visual representation of the First Orders bloodshed. Held captive in a room so sterile and sanitized that she can't even search for a spec of dust to be her companion.

A raspy voice echos in the throne room. "Have you been distracted, my young apprentice?" She can't see him, neither the speaker nor Ben, both escape Rey.

She _does_ hear Ben. The sound of him strapping up to his feet, racing down the hallway she had been _dragged_ through. Ben says nothing, even as his footsteps sound to a halt.

"Tell me, has this scavenger girl _seduced_ you with her dirty skin and rags, or have you become so repressed that _any_ pretty face will tempt you to settle for a girl below your station?"

Snoke taunts bid Rey's blood to corse in rage. Her body now trembling with fury rather than at resistance to Snoke's force ability. Ben, remains a slave to silence as his former Supreme Leader continues his questioning monologue.

"Or, is there _another_ secret you have been withholding from me." With his accusation hanging in the air, Snoke drops his hold on Rey.

Her hair surrounding her vision as she falls.

✨✨✨

Ben catches her, not with his extension of power in the force, but with his own arms. His rescuing of her fall is nothing of a victory. Her body slams against his, her jaw hitting his shoulder with such vigor it almost cracks her teeth.

Ben stumbles, Snoke does not allow him the chance to steady himself. Forcing Ben on his knees, still attempting to hold Rey. Her legs slide against the tile, clinging to the arms that hold her.

Ben _crushes_ Rey against him as Snoke continues. "Do you think me blind? Did you believe me unaware of the light which continues to flicker and tempt you?" His face is pressed next to hers, Rey can feel his lips where they graze her ear.

So close to him once again, Rey can sense the dams and reservoirs he'd built as they continue to crumble. Bit by bit, the essence of Ben joining with hers.

"And now, we've arrived here: with the absence of Skywalker, a new Jedi, a warrior of the light, has appeared." Ben somehow tightens his hold on her, "And she is held in the arms of _my_ Jedi Killer." Rey's hands reach up to cradle his neck.

Fear and panic still hold him, their claws still digging into his flesh.

So Rey is the one to challenge Snoke. "You overestimate Skywalker, but underestimate Ben Solo, you underestimate _me_."

She can not see the supposed Supreme Leader, perhaps that is what accounts for her believing her recklessness to be bravery.

Her words are a mistake.

Snoke once again rips her from Ben's arms. Her boots slide and squeaked as Rey is dragged across the room. Snoke uses the force to bring Rey to her feet, or rather the tips of her toes. An observer is brought before her as one of the crimson walls opens to show the vast abyss of space outside of the ship.

Minor explosions shine as dwarf stars. Exnighting in small flames, as more and more follow the doomed fleet.

"The _Resistance_ dies tonight. _You_ die tonight. _The light dies tonight_."

Rey understands his words to hold a supposed semblance of truth but she longs to _feel_ it. Her connection to the Force and her connection to the Rebels, their number death should tear at her soul, _her very being_ ; yet no such emotional response finds Rey.

A dark voice creeps into her brain, reminding her that though she begged the Resistance to respond to her calls, they never did.

Rey lashes out at the cruel thought. Fighting so strongly against Snoke's hold that she breaks through it. Her body quickly moving to a fighting stance, Rey reaches out to Ben, meaning to call the legacy saber which is bound to his belt;

But it's Kylo Ren's cross guarded lightsaber which answers her.

Flying into her hand, igniting in a crimson glow.

Ben watches her with a look of awe, so similar to the one he had worn only days before when the legacy lightsaber had answered her call then. How changed she was. The rags she had worn and mended for years are now gone. Thrown away by the Resistance when she had been bathed and dressed in nicer clothing.

The clothing she had discarded on her own will, wrapping herself in the new clean fabric of her own choosing. So unlike anything, she used to be; and Ben, a boy who once wore a mask to hide himself, who was now scarred forever by their fight.

Who still looked at her as though she was something to be marveled at.

Rey is shortsighted by the crimson glow of the weapon. The beam of light dies with a single _tisk_ from Snoke. The other monster of their story once again weaves his force hold around her, bringing her back to the center of the room.

The saber never once leaving her grip even as she drops to her knees before Ben. He's still knelt, looking so lost and uncertain.

"You succeeded at slaying Han Solo, yet the deed has only left you more vulnerable than is desirable. Killing the girl should strip the remainder of light within you." Ben's olive brown eyes are red rimmed, tears threatening to spill.

He won't do it, there's no question between them that he won't. Snoke is blind to that truth, mistaking Ben's hesitation for something other than the fear of the fight awaiting them and the First Order.

"Even Skywalker couldn't train her to the true title of Jedi, her body will not become one with the force once she is dead. You can do with her body what you wish." More of Ben's restraints crumble, walls demolished. "Even if she _did_ vanish, her rags would remain and should hold enough of her _scent_ to satisfy this childish infatuation."

Ben moves to his feet, not as a testament of his own strength but rather as a sign of Snoke's lessening use of the force.

Rey looks up at Ben, her eyes wandering his entire form. Watching as he takes the legacy saber in hand.

Ben sucks in a trembling lip, fingers flexing around the hilt of the saber once before the last of his mental reservoirs break. The bond between them strengthens and _explodes_. Drowning them in a new power, a new light.

Snokes abilities can no longer hold her now, Rey rises to her feet. Ben steps forward to stand beside her, igniting the sapphire weapon in his hold. The crimson glow of Kylo Ren's saber follows. Bathing them both in a purple light.

The Supreme Leader of the First Order seems shocked yet unbothered. As though his disciples coup is of the slightest inconvenience. An annoyance. Something too insignificant to claim a disappointment.

His words fail to match his indifference. "Stand together, die together." With a wave of his hand, Snoke orders the crimson guards in the room. "Kill them."

✨✨✨

It's a blurry of missteps and blinding weapons, twirling to meet and block an opponent as another guard attempts to strike. She and Ben attempted to remain back to back, but are forced to wander apart.

Men fall to the ground as lightsabers slash across their flesh. Snoke only watches them from on top of his throne.

He says nothing as his men die, as their limbs are dismembered and their heads decapitated. Not a word leaves the Supreme Leader as the last Jedi and the Jedi Killer fight side by side.

Not until the last soldier falls.

✨✨✨

Snoke rises from his gilded throne, his face pulled in a scowl as he extends the length of the fight.

✨✨✨

Though he can no longer paralyze them in place, Snoke _can_ fling them across the room, or send objects flying towards them. No matter how close either of them managed to get, Snoke was able to send them back.

✨✨✨

Until the entire ship _rattled_ , shock wave after shock wave shaking the very ground they stood on.

Snoke was distracted for only a moment, and they only needed a moment.

✨✨✨

Ben buries his saber in Snokes chest first, Rey rushes to his side as she plunges her own saber into the Supreme leader.

His body falls when the light from their crossed sabers extinguish.

✨✨✨

Sweat coats her skin and adrenaline pumps in her heart, shifting in swaying steps Rey closes the last of the distance between her and Ben. Slanting her lips over his in a desperate, heartfelt kiss as her arms wrap around his neck.

Ben stumbles into her, his hand finding it's way into her hair as the other holds the small of her back. The smell of smoke is overwhelming, yet Rey knows that isn't what waters her eyes.

When their lips part, her tears are what Ben kisses. Pressing his lips over the wet streaks shaking hands move to cup her face.

Her own hand shakes as well, trailing up the length of his forearm as they grasp at his hands. Ben moves one enough to intertwine their fingers together. He kisses her again, his tongue dashing out to run over her lower lip.

And she _should_ give him access, she wants to, she _longs_ to; but a fleeting sense of clarity calls her attention. Her loyalty to the Resistance calling itself into question.

Clasping her other hand over his, Rey leaves his embrace at a short distance, bringing them both across the room towards the viewfinder and observer.

There are no more explosions, and there is still a distinguishable trail of Rebel ships making their way to a white planet.

"They've stopped firing," Rey breathes, using both of their hands to point at what she see's Rey continues, "We can rendezvous with the Rebels there, the Resistance will need our help to escape and-"

Ben stops her. His hands still hold onto hers, he's close enough for Rey to feel to heat radiating from his body. The taste of him is still on her lips. Their connection, their _bond_ is golden and glowing.

Yet a chill washes over her, unexpected and horrific. His question not breaking her heart but coming close to, Rey turns to face those olive brown eyes as he repeats.

"What are you _suggesting _, Rey?"__


	4. Chapter 4

Whatever force that had ripped through the _Finalizer_ still lingers. Shockwaves continue to pulse through the metal beams and the reflective black flooring. A distorted view of them stands below them.

The details of this couple are blurred and abstract. Dirt and debris cover their faces and regrets, the movements that their reflections mimick are twisted and wrong; but that's how Rey came to know her own image.

Thin shiny sheets of metal that distorted the girl she was. Bent silver with small suggestions and dirty glass panels that held too many shadows and cracks to grace Rey with any truth. She was twelve when a jagged shard of a shattered mirror came into her possession.

The girl she saw in her reflection was the image of death. Hallow cheeks and dull eyes, tired and starving. So unlike what she had imagined herself to be, a disgusting truth that stung at her eyes. Even now, Rey doesn't believe herself to exist in that image. Choosing instead to imagine her appearance different.

Rey buried that mirror shard and its harsh truth in the sand of the Jakku desert. Pretending as she walked away from the mirror that she was leaving behind the skeleton of her body as well.

Rey doesn't believe that she's truly in her body at this moment.

She's watching herself from the outside, though her eyes depict a different image. There isn't heartbreak clouding her face but rather extended confusion. Cracks of her heart lightly bleeding out on her sleeve as she continues to take in deep breaths from her mouth.

The color is her cheeks is pale and flush, her hair is coated in sweat, sticking to her skin with exaggerated shapes of curls. There's fire held against the cold floor despite the impossibility, smoke fills her lungs and bleeds her eyes with tears.

Corpses still line the ground, pieces of the Supreme Leader scatter the area, yet there is a possibility that his apprentice still stands before her. Rey thinks that a greater look of heartache rests in Ben's eyes as he repeats yet again his question.

"Rey." There isn't anger in his voice, "What _exactly_ are you suggesting?" Only melancholy finds Ben.

Her mouth opens but only despair leaves her, light bursts of air as Rey attempts to understand the implications of his inquiry.

Rey's mouth is suddenly dry, the taste of Ben's lips still stick to hers. "We're," She swallows to allow herself more time, "We're going to the Resistance."

_WHY_.

The question isn't vocalized from Ben but rocks through the area. Slamming against Rey's skull with a thunderous strength that causes her to wince. She watches Ben's expression as the word continues to echo with increasing intensity.

His olive brown eyes are apologetic, holding her gaze with concern and something close to love. Perhaps it is love, and Rey only doubts the emotion at this moment as an attempt to protect herself from rejection.

She thinks that the cracks in her heart are expanding as Ben's lower lip trembles.

Her voice is smaller than she had ever thought it could be, her fight and passion were fleeing her body as she searches for signs of hope in her desperation. "They've been attacked," Rey elaborates, "We have to help them, they need our help, Ben -"

Ben's reaction to hearing his own name is all the information Rey needs to _finally_ understand what this scene was playing out to.

Ben backs away from Rey as though her words were knives she was raking across his flesh; dropping his hold from her hands as he continues to stagger backward. Searching for his own clarity as he questions the events that have transpired since she arrived onboard the _Finalizer_.

They were still on opposite sides of the war. Billions of stars separating them even though they both stood in the same room.

But Rey had _seen_ her future, and she _knew_ that the Force hadn't lied to her.

"Ben." She repeats his name, a prayer that lingers in the energy between them as she allows him the small retreat he seeks.

Heavy breaths pull and fall from him, those olive brown eyes looking so lost even at the clear path that was awaiting them. There's a golden thread that follows him with each step away from her that he takes. Rey thinks that she could reach out to the strand, wrap it around her little finger, and urge him to come back to her.

Her hands remain still and after another moment Ben's footsteps finally stop. A mixture of relief and acceptance ease the weight that had built on his shoulders, pain leaving his eyes as Ben feels so inclined to take a lone step _towards_ her.

"The pressure to conform to the restraints of a former allegiance will lessen over time. There's no need for you to be concerned with the Resistance any longer." Sorrow cools her burning flesh as the moments continue to pass. The longer Rey takes in her response, so does visible panic begins to return to Ben's features. "It's time," He pauses, as though he knew he were about to state the wrong thing but continues anyhow, "It's time to let the past die."

The Sith.

The Jedi.

The Resistance.

The First Order.

Snoke.

Skywalker.

He extends a hand out to her, the long calloused fingers that she had touched only an hour ago was now hidden under a thick black glove. Ben swallows as he pleads, "Rey, I want you to join me."

Tears pour in earnest from Rey, in such excess that neither she nor Ben can blame the smoke clouding between them. "Don't do this, Ben." She begs,

Ben shakes his head, stumbling over his words as he knowingly tries in vain to convince her. "We- we can join together. We can create a _new_ Empire."

They had killed his master, Snoke was _dead_. Rey's lips draw together in a fine line. "Please don't go this way."

The fight was over, now they were supposed to go _home_. Ben gapes at her as desperate anger builds within him, "No- No! You're still...holding on! Let go!"

The Light was ready to accept him, the Resistance was waiting for them. They were connected, they were family. Rey reminds him, "Your _mother_ is waiting for us on that planet. _Leia_ is with the Resistance. She's waiting for us -"

They were supposed to have a daughter, he had to know. The Force should have shown him. Ben's hands tighten into fists as he takes a terrifying step forward. "Do you want to know the truth about what happened to your parents?"

Ben regrets the words the moment they pass his lips, Rey witnesses the pain his anger brings him as he lashes out to hurt her.

But to their shared horror, Ben can't stop.

"You told me back when we touched hands that you wanted more from your parents. How could you want more unless you knew the truth." He pauses, attempting to seal the words inside of himself to no avail, "You've just been too afraid to admit it."

Rey had given Ben her heart willing. She dove headfirst into loving him the moment their hands touched. He held her love, and her heart in his hand. Which he knows squeezed between his fingers.

There was self-hatred pouring off Ben in waves, spilling onto the floor, and filling up the room. Soon they would both be drowning in it.

"Say it." At this point, Rey wasn't sure which one of them he was trying to punish.

"They were nobody." Flashes of blonde hair and hazel eyes, there's a freckle on her mother's neck. She spills her drink on Rey and laughs. Kissing her forehead with giggled apologies.

She wanted so much more than one lone memory and the terrible truth.

"They were filthy junk peddlers. They sold you for drinking money, they're both probably dead in some paupers grave in the Jakku desert."

No.

_No_.

He had to be wrong, even if Rey was ready to stop waiting for parents who would never come for her she couldn't have waited in vain. They had to be alive. They had to be.

They had to.

Tears continue to fall as Ben continues to break her heart. There's an apology waiting for her somewhere in his Force signature, instead of vocalizing it Ben says, "I would never abandon you as they did. Rey, I will devote my _entire_ existence to you until my body dissolves into stardust. You will never hurt again."

"You are hurting me, _now_." Rey challenges, her words quick and monotone.

Her accusation stalls him, again an apology he longs to give flares between them but he never speaks it aloud. "Rey," Pauses, then says "You don't have a place in this story, you come from nothing. You're nothing -"

Rey steals all the rage in the room, draining it from Ben as she screams, "I am not nothing! I was never nothing!"

His heart is bleeding before her, sorrow and heartache as he _finally_ says, "I'm sorry." Swallowing, extending his hand out further "Please, Rey. I need you to join me." Ben begs of her.

Rey stands her ground, fisting her hands into the gray fabric which drapes around her small frame.

Ben breaks far sooner than she expected. With all the rage between them, a choked sob rips through him as greater acceptance settles in him. "You'll never join me in ruling the galaxy." Tears fall from those big sad olive brown eyes as Ben sways in his stance.

Melancholy follows her words as Rey says, "I've no interest in being an Emperess of the dark." _But if that cost means losing you, I'm not sure what I should do._

Could she betray her morals? Taint her soul?

And was that what Rey was asking of Ben? How did he view her wordless request?

Forcing him back into the light when there was nothing in the galaxy that frightening him more.

Her questions flow between them in golden font, some of the words tangle in the golden thread that still connects their hearts together. The smoke clouds and blurs them, hiding the painful truth that only they knew.

Ben's resolve shatters, he still holds his hand out to her. Still extends the offer he longed for her to take; and now he knew she never would. A slow breath leaves Ben as he closes those olive-brown eyes, squeezing them shut as he straightens his posture.

When Ben opens her eyes to him, they are _soft_.

Ben pulls his hand back to his body, his opposite hand reaching up to slowly, so _slowly_ , remove the black glove that had been hiding his skin from her. Another breath passes through him as he extends his bare hand out to Rey.

"Runaway with me, then."

Rey's gasp brings smoke and fire embers into her lungs, yet she continues sucking in the tainted air. Her lips tremble and she tilts her head, as though she had imagined or misheard Ben's offer and he was about to correct it.

But his words are true, and though his heart might be tainted black there is a glow to it; and it's connected to hers.

"No Empire, no darkness, no war." Ben continues, "Just me. We'll let the past die, and run far _far_ away from here. Whatever planet you want, _please_."

The golden light between them grows to a blinding cluster of stars. There is peace yet melancholy, hope and frightening disappointment and -

"We have to ensure that the Resistance escapes unharmed, first." The words leave her before Rey thinks better. Before she understands that she could be risking his _entire_ offer. "I will leave and cut my allegiance to the Resistance, I will go with you."

There was Finn. Her first friend, her _only_ friend.

Her heart seizes at the thought of never seeing them again. She doesn't even know if Finn's woken up from his coma, if he survived the Resistance flee to Crait. Rey does believe that she will see him again, even if it's not as soon as either of them would like.

If Finn is on Crait, Rey _has_ to ensure that he escapes along with everyone in the Resistance.

Ben hears her conditions, her words along with their consequences echoing and repeating in his head as his hesitation extends a few moments too long. He doesn't vocalize his agreement. Ben only nods, taking another step towards her and Rey crosses the remaining distance.

Clasping her bare hand over his.


	5. Chapter 5

Golden fire embers float in the space between them as Kylo - no, _Ben_ \- pulls her into him, firmly pressing her body against his.

Reys' face is buried in his chest, drowning in the scent of him. There's a thick layer of smoke clinging to him, his clothing, his hair. Mechanical as well as artificial, sorely lacking the rich smell of burning wood. Rey knows that the scent of fire will linger on him for days, and her as well.

Masking all other sensations of them from the other.

Rey's eyes still burn, watering from the unpleasant sharpness in the air. Hot tears pour in thick streams from her, burning her already warm cheeks. There is still soot falling into her eyes, her body is too warm but Rey refuses to remove herself from Ben's embrace.

The temptation of slumber is calling her as the smoke washes into her lungs, choking her with the soot, settling in her body, setting her veins aflame, burning her from the inside out. Her bones ache with an ancient weight, Rey fights against the siren call. Her eyes flutter close, flashing colors and swirling images promise her a peaceful sleep but Rey refuses.

They _need_ to leave, there was so much they needed to accomplish but,

Rey's choking on her melancholy while she allows them both this one moment, just one moment longer locked in the other's arms.

Desperation sings in his movements as Ben envelops himself around Rey, refusing to drop their clasped hands as his arms embrace her small frame, forcing Rey to uncomfortably bend her arm to allow Ben his desired movements.

His torso is far too broad for her free arm to truly reach round the expanse of his full width, Rey's hands splay against the center of his back, while Ben takes a handful of her gray wraps in his fist.

Bens' desperation trembles his body, shaking hands holding onto her as though she were a dream. A ghost that would vanish from him, stealing the last of the light from his heart as she faded into the force.

There was no softness in this moment, no kindness.

Only cruel anxiety.

Ben presses hard kisses into her hair as the cruel moment extends longer than they can afford. The one to steal this moment from them is neither Luke Skywalker nor the Force: It's Rey.

"We have to go." Her whisper is lost in Ben's dark, charcoal hair, "Just until we know they've escaped."

Her reassurance is spoken louder, a promise of her own, a vow of her understanding of what was awaiting them. Bens hold on her tightens before falling slack, before they truly leave the other's arms Ben claims her lips with his own- an extension of _his_ reassurance. Their lips part with a quiet sound, sliding away from the other, both nostalgic from the moment they lost only a heartbeat ago.

Ben swallows his breath before speaking, Rey watches as smoke is sucked in with the flowing embers, his exhale disrupting the settled elements further. "My ship will be ready for us to evacuate to Crait. Turn around and clasp your hands behind your back."

Her blind faith guides her movements as Rey immediately complies with his demand. Her heart hammering inside her chest, bruising against her ribs as she spins on her heels. The light gust of air brought by the rushed movement of her hair providing an exceptionally brief, momentary relief.

Ben waits for her hands to join together before he wraps a large hand around both of her wrists. His hold is gentle, whispering "It's going to be okay, Rey." As he allows her time to adjust herself against his hold.

Rey was exceptionally talented at lying to herself, at finding a sanctuary in delusion. She would be false to herself if she claimed to be devoid of any fear but that fear is _lighter_ than she had ever known the feeling to be.

For even with Ben's tight hold on her wrists she's hyperaware of his body pressed against her back. Hard, welcoming, _warm_. A new feeling of home that inspires enough of a reaction from Rey to distract her from the delicate time slipping through her fingers.

Rey needed to let go of all her lingering fear; Ben wouldn't betray her.

He wouldn't.

Still, her unease and anxiety mix in the thick air surrounding them, Rey's Force signature rapidly pulsing, quietly screaming in the vacuum of the walls confining them. Ben's chest is firm as it presses more into her backside; he's placing a soft kiss on the back of her head, his touch lost in the thick fall of her chestnut hair.

"I have a bad feeling this- about that shockwave that rocked through the ship." Ben quietly explains, "There will be wandering eyes even through the chaos, if we don't start our ruse now, I won't be - _strong_ enough,"

If Ben continues speaking, his words are all but lost in the mess of her hair. Softy, desperately spoken to a deaf audience,

But Rey understands.

Ben's argument rings in her ears in a renowned understanding. _The pressure to conform to the restraints of a former allegiance will lessen over time_ They had just slain the Supreme Leader - whose body still laid in pieces beyond them - the _monster_ who had a hand in turning Ben Solo along with Luke Skywalker.

Using her Force sensitivity, Rey reaches out to their bond, to his signature. A heavyweight of confused mourning has laid ontop Ben's shoulders. Black marks on his soul which had once sucked in light as a black hole does life were now turning a shade of dark grey.

The light side was calling to Ben and it _terrified_ him. Having lived an eternity with only the illusion of choice and free will, being cut loose from the ties that bound him was a shattering shock to his system. Ben was desperately grasping for something to anchor himself with at the moment.

Now _Kylo_ was to escort them off the _Finalizer_ , facing subordinates, allies, and supervisors. Retreating behind the mask of the shell of a man who hadn't failed miserably at his grand title of _Jedi Killer_.

He was wearing the mask of a man who _hadn't_ killed his master. A mask of a boy still being manipulated and controlled. A would be leader, of a black knight army.

Rey couldn't bear to ask him about his Knights of Ren, about the men and women he might have called friends. Eventually, they would have to die, for the good of the _Resistance_ -

But Rey was no longer apart of the _Resistance_.How easy it was for her to slip back into the woman she was only an hour prior. Rey had no allegiance to the _Resistance_ That was the deal she had bargained with Ben.

Rey of Jakku and Kylo Ren would leave their respective factions so that they could be together.

There's hope in their future, but in this moment Rey only feels hallow. The seeds of hopelessness planting themselves in her blood, sprouting in her lungs, choking her with their prickly growth.

Her despair was a snake, slivering around her ankles. The same serpent of fear wrapped around Kylo as well. As the knowledge of their situation again dropped on top of them both.

The death of Snoke was an inevitability,

_Their_ demise was still a possibility. Fear continued to shake their hands just as adrenaline flowed in their veins, choosing their actions with careful cautiousness was the better choice; even if it slowed them down.

They take the first step forward in sync, every step after that is stumbled and uncertain. "How long will it take to reach your ship?" Her throat is uncomfortably dry, cracking on her words as they retreat from the heart of the smoke.

"Not long," Kylo's voice breaks as well, dry coughs taking hold of him as they approach the elevator that had brought them to the cursed, crimson throne room.

He swallows his pain, they needed water. Rey thinks that there should be a full canteen in the old, leather satchel attached to her belt. She had packed portions as well, Rey hadn't the room for spare clothing - She'd never in her _life_ had spare clothing until the previous days on Ach-to, this wasn't a loss she was concerned over - she hadn't even packed keepsakes, everything she had valued had been left on Jakku.

By now the flowers she had potted inside her home would have dried and wilted; although Rey had only abandoned the planet less than a fortnight prior she knew that the other scavengers would have tossed her AT-AT walker.

But there had been Dosmit Raeh, her alliance pilot doll, a keepsake that perhaps would have been left, something that could rejoin her growing family.

It would be foolish to bargain on sand dunes and metallic corpses, but Kylo would go with her if she asked.

Rey wondered what he was leaving behind on this ship other than memories. Black clothing, hardbound novels, Leia had mentioned-

_She smelled of lilac and lavenders._

_My father searched the galaxy for a bottle of Alderaan hair oils. She used it sparingly, but I was young and didn't understand that. Whenever she was away for longer than a day I would sneak in, pouring the oil over my hands._

_It's the only reminder of home that I kept._

Rey's boots slide against the glossy black floor, Kylo stumbles into her. Pushing forward towards their objective. "Rey-" He begs in protest.

No, she can't let him lose his last reminder of home. If she can't bring Leia's son home rescuing this keepsake is the least she can do to atone.

"Ben, we have to go to your quarters." The words leave Rey in a desperate rush. Urgent and _demanding_.

A whined, choking sound rips deep from Kylos' throat, who keeps sliding them both forward despite trembling hands. " _Now!_ Rey _that_ can wait until, until we've -" His grip on her wrists tighten as Kylo searches for the right words to find him.

"No, no _no_. We have to go find the oil." Now the air is too pure, stinging Rey's lungs just as harshly as the dry smoke.

" _Rey_ ," Her name is a prayer on his lips, a plea for salvation. Or maybe Kylo was begging for mercy.

Clarity leaves Rey's lips with, "Leia's _hair oil_ from Alderaan."

They're only steps away from the elevator, yet Kylo rejects her. " _No_." Kylo's voice is deep and hauntingly firm. His confusion and lingering thoughts were awash with realization. "We're _leaving_ Rey -"

Still, she leans back against him as dead weight in a feeble attempt to stall the much stronger -no, _larger_ , mammoth of a man. "Ben we _have_ to -"

"Don't concern yourself with it!" His words are harsh, cruel.

But not as cruel or haunting as the sound of the elevator opening, with a lone, _surprised_ First Order General inside. Time stands still as horror once again shatters against Rey's skin. The man had the brightest ginger hair that she had ever seen, the color was offset by the scowl he wore observing the two of them.

The frozen movement accelerated into the present as Kylo moved faster than Rey could think, taking a long stride forward - _forcing_ his leg between her thighs - Kylo used his leverage to _slam_ Rey's chest against the wall just before the other man questioned.

"What's going on here, _Ren_?"

All the oxygen has been forced outside of her body, Kylo's pressed against her in a way she might have thought protective had it not been for the pulsing ache in her chest. Rey thinks she hears herself whining but the sound is so pitched and muffled. So detached and distant from herself.

The Generals question hangs in the air, Kylo's mouth is open but no response leaves him. His breathing tickles where it brushes against her ear. For a _moment_ Rey believes that Kylo is readying himself to strike, his Force signature is erratic and volcanic; but as the other man observes the scene, the only words Kylo manages to breath are.

"The girl killed Snoke."

With her face smooshed against the wall Rey's unable to see the Generals reaction, she hears a rustling of fabric which prompts Kylo to shield himself over her more.

"No, _no_ ," Kylo extends an arm between them and the First Order General. " _Armitage, we can't kill her here._ "

Armitage fails to be convinced, "Who do you think you are ordering around! _The Supreme Leader is DEAD_ " The General takes in a ragged breath, "We should ship her body to where the Rebels have fled before-"

He falls silent, Rey can feel where the panic builds within Kylo. He somehow buries himself against her even more, Rey's body whines at the pressure.

There is a warning, a _question_ in the way Kylo says, " _Hux_."

General Armitage Hux takes only a moment before stating, "Sending her body to the Rebels will only confirm that she was successful." Kylo is too quick to add to Armitage's train of thoughts.

"She'll have information on the Resistance, on _Skywalker_." Rey's heart continues beating though her blood has stopped flowing. "Killing her _without_ extracting this information would be ill advised."

" _Don't tell me whats ill advised_ ," Armitage snaps at Kylo, "Don't forget, I'm your friend, _Ben_."

Kylos hand flexes around Rey's restrained wrists. His voice was deeper and more monstrous than she had ever believed him to be. "She's not dying here, Hux."

_She's not dying here_ His words reignite her waterlogged rage, Rey struggles against where Kylo urgency holds her. She won't try both men at a fight, but Rey drowns their bond with enough aggression and assurance to allow Kylo to know she won't be dying _anywhere_ soon.

There's an overwhelming sense of protection - along with an underlying sense of frustration - which Kylo extends back to her.

Rey still can't see his face, he's still cloaking her body with his own.

Hux brings them away from each other with his voice, quiet and judgemental. "The Supreme Leader said you were affectionate for the _girl_." The transformation that takes place in the General is quick, nothing blooms or flourishes. Hux allows the man he's always been to come to light, and Rey is no stranger to witnessing a man asking for more than he's owed. "Religuinish any and all claim you have to ascend to the Supreme Leaders Throne and you can keep the Scavenger."

She doesn't hear Kylo agree, she doesn't even feel him move.

But the satisfaction pouring off of Armitage Hux's energy tells Rey _everything_ she needs to know.

"Excellent, come then." The elevator shaft is opening once again, sliding open with a breeze of cold, sterile air. "I'll notify the Captains about my ascension along with our retreat." Kylo pulls Rey away from where he had her pressed against the wall, all but dragging her into the elevator with the other man.

Hux continues, "Get whatever information out of her that you can, and she better not cause trouble. Make her one of your Knights of Ren, but I won't have a Resistance sympathizer on _my_ ship."

It isn't heartbreak or sorrow that moves Rey, its feral determination. Her skin vibrates as escape routes sing in her ears. The Legacy saber will answer to her call, she doesn't doubt her ability to take down Hux, or even knock down Kylo enough to allow herself a chance to run.

But there is a lingering melancholy, one she pours into a question she burns into the bond.

_Ben._

She says only his name, waiting for a doomed silence to follow. For an unanswered confirmation that will signify their next battle to commence.

But his hand flexes against her restrained wrists, he's close enough to drown her in the scent of him. Kylo offers her only this:

_It's going to be alright_

Through the bond, Rey witnesses the route to Ben's ship even as Hux continues his declaration for power.


	6. Chapter 6

There's a lone moment of silence that follows once the doors slide shut. Kylo's still restraining her wrists but his other hand reaches for her, she expects it to join his other hand. To become an extension of her shackles bound in blood and flesh.

Yet Kylo's knuckles gently brush the outside of her palm, lingering there before delicately squeezing three of her fingers in his hand. It's fleeting, yet the effect of the action was substantial. _It's going to be alright_ , Kylo was pleading with her through the bond.

A bead of sweat flows down Rey's temple in a thin stream, by the time it reaches her cheek the elevator all but drops.

Gears whine under the pressure, the entire cabin vibrates as it's forced to stop accelerating. When the function of the elevator is resumed, the new Supreme Leader beings talking.

Hux, for all intents and purposes, seems to be rehearsing a speech meant for a separate audience. Talking about how, under _his_ command, the Rebels will finally perish. Their pathetic attempt to ruin the First Order had been in vain, now the Resistance survives on borrowed days. Not even their sympathizers would be spared from justice.

Armitage Hux spoke with venom on his lips. The General was cold, and calculated; he had been longing for this promotion for some time.

The background of his speech was sung by creaking cables, unexpected halts, and screeching metal. _It's going to be alright_ Kylo whispers in her mind once again, but this time his reassurance can not calm her.

A jolt rocks the ground they stand on.

Rey shakes herself against Kylo's hold on her. Pulling her wrists back, kicking him when she can. She thinks for a _moment_ that Ben might let her go, that he would at least allow her control over her own body. With those grotesque implications that Hux had made, about her being kept like some sort of pet; Rey should at _least_ be able to -

But her thrashing has distracted Hux, his voice dying down. His face is lost from her, but Rey can feel cold blue eyes burn into her skin. " _Control her, Ren._ "

Kylo doesn't hesitate to act on the Generals command, thrusting both of them into the front corner of the elevator. A crack runs down Rey's spine at the brute force of Kylo's body smashing into her, he doesn't speak any apology but she can _feel_ it. Pulsing in the energy around them, asking her to forgive him, to _understand_.

She's wheezing, all the air has left her lungs, it's too painful to breathe in.

Back on Jakku, years ago just before she had turned seventeen: Rey had fallen off one of the Imperial Ships from the Old Republic. She had scaled close to the top floor when her leverage gave out.

It had been so quick, the air rushing past her, only having the chance to be afraid _after_ she crashed. Rey hadn't been able to move once she landed, none of her bones had broken but she felt shattered.

Every breath she had taken had felt like death. How long had she stayed there? How long had she spent curled up on herself before she found the strength to crawl? That pain had stayed with her for _weeks_. Echoing inside her body whenever she so much as moved, there had been no escape.

Tears have started to swell in her eyes, _It's going to be alright_ Rey can't keep them from falling again.

Armitage had proceeded with the rest of his speech, unattentive to the two force sensitive individuals in the small cabin. Kylo begins to rub circles in her wrist, even being so emboldened to place a quick kiss along her hairline.

Rey can't even see him, she's pressed entirely into the wall. Blinding lights consuming her vision.

As they lower into the ship, sirens whirl, rising and falling with each separate floor the elevator passed. Distant horns blare, warnings spoken through static. A red light begins flooding the area through the vents, bathing them all in blood.

There's a muffled alarm chirping, panicked, and pleading. So different and sharper than the rest. Rey desperately wants to cover her ears to block the sound out.

_It's going to be alright_ Kylo can't even convince himself, his hands are trembling.

✨✨✨

When the doors to the lift slide open, Hux takes control of the _Finalizer_. Enacting orders as though he had already been sworn in as Supreme Leader. His authority ringing loud, inspiring terror to any that should _think_ to question him.

Rey only finds solace once she hears him calling for the First Orders retreat. They needed to collect themselves and not allow the Resistance another chance to attack them at a vulnerable state.

Hux makes no mention of Snokes' death.

Kylo eases his weight off Rey, still keeping her pressed into him as they slip away from Hux's command. Kylo doesn't release his hold on her wrists, continuing their act of prisoner and guard for the benefit of all those too busy to pay them any attention.

The ship is in a complete state of chaos. Oxygen pipes ruptured from the walls, flooding the corridors with gas. Rey knows by the clouds made from her breath that all the heating systems have stopped functioning, and despite walking by actual fire burning through the ship, Rey's skin only feels ice.

✨✨✨

He says nothing as they walk through the wreckage, Kylo remains silent as they make sharp turns through spiraling corridors. That is, until they are forced to backtrack when they find three passages crumbled and blocked off.

Stormtroopers rush past them, some have lost their helmets in the chaos. Haunted eyes and terrified faces follow them in their leave. Rey tries desperately not to think of Finn.

Her friend, Rey can only extend a prayer to the stars that he was still alive. As their way to the shipping bay continues, Rey knows that her personal loss can not be compared to the lives lost in this war, she and Kylo are stepping over corpses on their way to the destination.

✨✨✨

The bond between her and Ben had been golden and soft only minutes ago, with his lips pressed against hers, a tangle of limbs. Visions of them together, a promise of a future. _Hope_ , together they had found their connection, something that belonged to them, a home that was only theirs.

Now, at this moment, the bond was black and all consuming. _I'm sorry, forgive me, master. Grandfather guide me, I can never return_ Rey was drowning in his sorrow and insecurity. _Padme guide me, dad forgive me, I'm sorry, I can never return_.

They're both too distracted to watch where they're headed, running in circles, tripping over debris. Kylo's pace begins to slow to a halt. His thoughts racing and vibrating through the bond.

When Rey moves to free her wrists from his hold, Kylo doesn't stop her.

She clasps her hand under his, "It's going to be alright, Ben." Those words were all they had, even if neither of them could attest to the truth of the statement. Kylo's hold on her hand was strong enough to break every bone in her wrist and fingers.

Rey doesn't ask him to stop, not even through the bond. They continue onwards, together.

✨✨✨

A sweeping black sign with crisp white letters announces their arrival to the Docking bay. This particular area of the ship is rife with dark gray smoke, the floors lined with dust that tells them stories of the soldiers who had fled from the area.

They only have to make it to the end of the corridor before they enter the bay. Their exit was so close, Rey adjusts her hold on Kylo's hand, lacing their fingers together before they race to their salvation.

However, a blasphemous voice challenges their escape. "What are you doing, _Ren_?" The speaker was not Armitage, his voice was deeper, _older_.

Rey's turn to look at the newcomer was in vain, Kylo forces himself in front of her, shielding her from the potential threat. She waits for his confrontation with the Officer, for Kylo to scare the man away with words or his lightsaber.

Though, perhaps her line of thinking had been led astray by Kylo's interaction with Hux. There is no attempt at civility or a soldier's honor system.

Kylo doesn't hesitate to use his abilities to rip the First Order Officer from the ground and choke the life out of him. Rey only witnesses the man desperately grasp at the empty air around his throat for a moment before she jumps Kylo.

She catches Kylo off guard, falling on top of him while he crashes onto his side with the thud of the other man's body echoing the sound seconds later. Kylo's eyes snap to meet hers, his dark locks obstructing his face, he doesn't look at her as though she betrayed him but Rey can see that he very much wants to scream such an insult at her.

He looks annoyed mostly, but Rey can feel his rage building and pulse in the bond. She wishes the intensity of his anger didn't cause her lip to tremble.

Rey doesn't help him stand, she knows he won't back out of their escape plan but another flare of rage takes hold of the bond as she walks away from him. Rey doesn't dwell on Kylo's emotional outburst for too long.

Because by the time she reaches the final entry for the Docking bay she finds the entire thing blocked off by rubble and debris.

✨✨✨

_Lifting rocks_ Somewhere in the galaxy, Luke Skywalker was laughing at her.

Just when Rey thinks she'll have to swallow her pride, stand to the side while Kylo takes the initiative to clear their exit: Rey feels an itch in her fingertips.

It's, it's almost a promise from the force, and assurance for success that flows in her blood. A feeling that Rey doesn't have the proper words to describe, but she _understands_ in her core that this is a trial she will overcome.

Her arm raises with an ease and grace Rey had never once possessed in her life, her fingers spread in the surrounding space and the energy of the force moves through her. Rey's eyes close as she steadies her breathing. The moment that passes, Rey imagens what she needs to be accomplished.

When she opens her eyes, the debris has all floated high into the air and their passage into the Docking bay is cleared.

✨✨✨

She thinks Kylo is proud of her, standing by her side quietly watching her use the force. He's giving her _that_ look, the one from the forest, after the legacy saber had chosen her. A look of awe and wonder;

But they don't have the luxury to linger on this moment.

The sirens and alarms are louder in the vast space. Amplified to the point that the vibrations of the sounds rock the floor and reverberate their flesh.

Rey and Kylo race past countless TIE fighters and personal ships of First Order Officers. Specialized mech as well as prototypes for new space weaponry. Rey had never seen any of these types of ships close up, always far too concerned with avoiding them.

Her mouth is agape with the majesty of them, the First Order had spared no expense. Rey takes in every detail of them that she can, her eyes instinctually looking for the more valuable assets of their haul.

It's every scavengers' wet dream to have unsupervised access to ships like these.

Rey isn't aware that she had stopped walking until she hears Kylo's footsteps racing back to her, tightly lacing his fingers around her hand and _dragging_ her towards his ship. There isn't a great distance separating them from it, only a few rapid heartbeats pass before they are standing before his ship and -

Rey wants to marvel at it, to _study_ it, but she isn't even able to take the sight of his ship in before Kylo's opening the cockpit to-

Her abdomen coils once Rey sees the inside. "You failed to mention there was only one seat." Her ears _burn_ as she watches Kylo climb his way inside, adjusting himself as well as lowering his seat.

Making sure there was enough room for _her_ and where she would be-

Rey _knows_ that her entire face is washed in a deep blush when Kylo extends his hand out to her. His expression matches her embarrassment, all red, avoiding eye contact. _There is_ only one seat, Rey understands that she has no choice but to take his hand.

Kylo makes quick work of lifting her off and ground and pulling her into his lap.

Rey's sat mostly on his thigh, her legs draped across his other thigh smashed into the little space afforded. When Kylo reaches up to close the hatchet, Rey pulls one of her legs out of the cramped area and moves to rest it between Kylos'. In doing so, the action causes her hips to slide from his thigh to the center of his lap.

She's trying to shove herself back when Kylo says, " _Please_." His teeth are clenched tight, "Please stop squirming."

All of her movements stall, her body as still as a statue when Kylo takes a few moments to calm himself.

Not long after, he brings his ship to life. The engines silent yet _powerful_. Gliding seamlessly into the air, easy as breathing. Top of the line equipment, it doesn't have the character of the falcon -nor the space- but what a marvelous sight it was. Oh, what Rey wouldn't give to fly this kind of ship.

However, there are unforeseen difficulties. Both of Kylo's arms are wrapped around Rey to reach the steering column, pushing her tightly against him and obstructing his line of vision. Her body is a blind spot that Kylo has to crane his head around to even navigate to the exit.

Quickly, Ben resigns to flying one handed. Dropping his left hand over Rey's stomach and pulling her as physically out of his needed line of sight as possible. She's forced to squirm to accommodate, attempting to bury her face into his shoulder as to not take up over a quarter of view space.

He's scowling, Rey can't see his face but she knows it. There's a jolt sent through the ship when Kylo accelerates out of the _Finalizer_ , the engine vibrates the ship, perfectly rocking Rey back and forth across his lap.

Kylo's hand tightens his hold on it, it's warm and welcoming, and Rey - She knows that Kylo isn't scowling out of frustration or anything of the sort. It wasn't an ideal seating arrangement and of course, he was flustered, she understood -

✨✨✨

The flight to Crait is less than three standard minutes, even so, her face is flushed once they arrive.


	7. Chapter 7

Riding Kylo's lap isn't uncomfortable by any means, Rey actually quite likes it, however, this wasn't the time for her to be flustered and fidget.

Kylo's face is washed in the deepest blush that Rey has ever seen. She makes no comment on it because Rey doesn't think it's the kind of thing she should comment on. She knows that Kylo wants nothing more - that is, _at this moment_ \- than to arrive on Crait and see the Rebels off to safety.

After that, they'll be sat like this again when they leave. Without the weight of worry about rescuing the Rebels, maybe they both might enjoy the trip-

Rey can't think about that right now. She _can't._

A quiet alarm chirps at them for the duration of their flight, not stopping even after they descend into Craits' atmosphere. Rey cranes her head, looking out the viewfinder. She watches from their distance as the black of space is lost to the light blue sky of the planet. First Order ships launch to hyperspace, long streaks following their path. Staining the sky like shooting stars.

✨✨✨

The base that the Rebels are hiding in might have once gone undetected by old Imperial Ships and their radars, but the hideout's location is glowing information displayed for both of them to see. 

Blood red stone rests outside of the entrance of the base, there's evidence left of a ship having slid inside before the gates closed. 

Kylo lands his ship a short distance away, taking care to ensure that they are hidden behind snow covered rocks and walls. The TIE Silencer touching the ground once again has Rey rocking back and forth in Kylo's lap. An apology she knows better than to give threatens to leave her.

Kylo's emotions are flooding into their combined force energy, and they reflect the feelings coursing through Rey as well. Their bond has taken on a new shade, pink and _inviting_. That's the only way Rey knows how to describe it.

Her hand is on his shoulder, clutching at the fabric she finds there as Kylo moves to exit them from the ship. His hair tickles her cheek, she can feel his muscles move under his clothing. Once the hatchet is open, only Rey climbs down.

Kylo remains seated, she can hear the deep, ragged breaths he takes in. She isn't afraid, she knows that Kylo won't fly away, just as he knows she won't run to the Rebels. Rey allows him all the time he needs. The First Order has fled, and so has all imminent danger. 

✨✨✨

She's, _happy_ when Kylo finally climbs out to join her on the ground, but Rey finds that she can't look him in the eyes at this moment.

✨✨✨

Despite the bloody orange sunset falling over the mineral planet, Rey is blinded by all the white. Before she had left the TIE Silencer, Rey thought Crait to be a planet buried under snow. She's only seen snow once in her life, she might have just been eager to see it again but Rey hadn't expected a shallow white desert. 

Save for the bloodstone hiding under layers of salt, the entire planet was only shades of gray. Rey couldn't even make out the outline of the Rebel base. It perfectly blended into the mountain range, maybe if she squinted her eyes-

"What's that piece of junk doing here!" Kylo's voice is rife with genuine rage that startles Rey. Stealing a quick glance at him before following his gaze. 

She watches the sky with anticipation, but it takes Rey a long moment before she's able to make out the familiar shape of the _Millennium Falcon_. Euphoria floods her heart as Rey watches the ship lower itself towards the ground, hovering for a bit while the base doors slide open enough to allow them inside.

She can't hide the sound of her smile, "It's Chewie!" Rey breaths, "I told him that if I took too long; that he needed to forget about me." Rey was so grateful that the Wookie hadn't attempted to fight his way through First Order ships for her, Chewie had done what she asked. 

Rey can't imagine what he must have witnessed, he would have seen whatever destroyed all of those Dreadnaught ships, he would have watched as Resistance escape pods were blown up piece by piece as they ran. "He must have seen the Rebels fleeing here." She tells Kylo.

This was, ideal. 

The Resistance had their escape route, they would be able to fly to safety. Rey looks to the sky, making sure that the only ships still visible to her were broken and falling apart. There was no danger waiting for the Rebels, she turns her attention back to the outpost. This was more than ideal, this was _perfect_.

✨✨✨

A short amount of time passes; It's hard to make out whats going on, the doors to the base are still open. Rey thinks that she can see movement inside, but nothing else. The wind is howling in her ears, and Kylo's ship is still sounding quiet alarms.

✨✨✨

Nothing is happening, Rey's fingers itch with the urge to race to the rebels but she knows that she can't leave Kylo behind, and if he followed her now - it wouldn't matter what the rebels would do if she and Kylo Ren showed up on their doorstep. They agreed to leave this war behind, Rey had to keep reminding herself that.

Finally, The lights of the _falcon_ shine a bright blue as the ship is brought back to life, Kylo walks to stand by her side. His hand moves to touch her waist but hovers there for a moment, second guessing the action before going through with it. His hand flexes against his hold on her, his fingers brushing her stomach again.

Truth be told, her mouth is still dry from their flight here.

And whatever, _pleasure_ , she had found in that ride is outmatched by the drop Rey feels in her stomach when she watches the _f_ _alcon_ flash into lightspeed. Leaving her and the planet behind in less than 1 parsec.

The cold winds of Crait can not compare to the ice now flowing in Rey's veins.

She had expected, actually, Rey no longer knows what she expected. There truly wasn't anything she could have done for the Resistance. The First Order had fled, there was no invasion for her to fight. Even if Chewie hadn't arrived, Rey couldn't have offered anyone a ride in Kylo's ship.

Rey should be _celebrating_. This victory had been easy, but yet a part of her felt shattered. She would have liked to see Finn, Rey had been _hoping_ too. Given all of the Resistance lives that had been lost in the last forty-eight hours, could she even say he was alive?

What about Leia, would Kylo know? 

Rey's looking to the alien sky which continues to grow darker, keeping her eyes there as though she could still catch a glimpse of either faction. 

She finds only sky, along with a suggestion of stars.

She'll never see BB-8 again, that special droid would continue fighting in a war she's retired from.

But then again, Rey was never actually apart of it.

Kylo's hold on her waist tightens, keeping her in his grasp as he moves a short distance to face her. Once he's in her sights, Rey's lips part with mourning. Her eyes already stinging with a loss she can't vocalize but it's Kylo's expression that inspires tears to fall. 

His face is paler than white, his nose retaining the only colored flesh by the red tint from the cold. Craits wind tosses his hair, exposing large ears similarly affected by the temperature. He looks completely shaken, terrified of whatever comes next. Kylo's opposite hand moves to hold her waist, pulling her closer.

"Now what?" Kylo's watching her, searching for a greater clarity than Rey could provide.

"What?" 

"The First Order is gone. Your Rebels are safe." She knows Kylo's words to be true, but finds she can't hear them. Rey doesn't know why such sorrow plagues her by the fact that she had gotten everything she wanted.

Together, she and Kylo faced Snoke and brought him to an end. Fighting side by side in a life threatening duel, escaping from the heart of the _Finalizer_ right from under the nose of the newly appointed Supreme Leader.

They came to Crait to ensure the Rebels would escape, that was what they had agreed to do, and they've accomplished that but -

"They hadn't even needed me." 

The Resistance sent her as an extension of their last hope; to find the infamous Luke Skywalker and convince him to return. The force had chosen her, his _lightsaber_ had chosen her. Rey was meant to become a Jedi but, she wasn't -

Sympathy pours from Kylo's eyes in teardrops. He pulls her closer to him.

"It's just us now."

Kylo says this as though he were surprised. As though he hadn't been the one who asked her to run away. As though they arrived on this planet together on any other arrangement.

But, Rey lacks the energy to argue.

Her skin is so cold, her fingers numb. Rey steps closer to him, and Kylo wraps his arms around her, shielding her from the cold. Salt follows the wind, blowing in their eyes. When Rey runs her tongue over the swell of her lips all she tastes is salt.

She can still hear the alarm from his ship. _It's just us now_. Where do they go from here? They hadn't even thought of a plan before racing off to their attempted rescue. Vague suggestions flutter in her mind, Rey's mouth opens but nothing leaves.

Kylo's now crushing her into his chest. "Rey," He's begging again, "Tell me what to do."

Rey was no stranger to desperation, but this was something else. He was pleading for her to take control of a situation he couldn't. That's what he had been doing back in the throne room, after the death of Snoke he hadn't know where his future would lead. _I want you to join me_. 

Kylo Ren was no longer Kylo Ren. _Ben Solo_ was now a free man who couldn't understand the concept of freedom. He didn't know who he was if he was not being controlled or told what to do.

From what Rey could remember of what Skywalker had told her about Darth Vader...Rey isn't sure if Ben would find this similarity to his grandfather comforting. _You'll never be as strong as Darth Vader._ Perhaps she should refrain from ever bringing up his grandfather.

"Where are we going?" Ben's whispering now, Rey holds onto him tighter.

She doesn't know many planets. Rey could name the important ones in the core worlds but running away to any of them was out of the question. The only planet that could offer them solitude was Ahch-To and Rey would sooner take residence inside a black hole than share that island with Skywalker.

Rey knew about planets in the Jakku system, one of Jakku's neighboring planets wasn't exactly hospitable but the air was breathable. No one would bother them there.

But, then again, Rey knew how to survive on _Jakku_. They would have to stray far away from Niima outpost, but they could be scavengers together. Ben might even like - _You come from nothing, you're nothing._

Rey couldn't take Ben to Jakku.

There was only one planet that Rey could suggest. "Take me to Takodana." She whispers, "Take me back to where we met."


	8. Chapter 8

Rey hasn't any idea what's waiting for them on Takodana nor does she know what exactly she expects to find there. Takodana was the planet that she first saw an ocean, small and beautiful. Meeting Finn had been the catalyst that brought her into the intergalactic narrative but it was the events on Takodana that cemented her position there.

Maz had been so kind and gentle with her, _The longing you seek isn't behind you_. Perhaps if they went to her now, sought refuge in her palace, there was a chance that Maz would know where she and Ben could go.

A part of Rey knew that if Maz should turn them both away she would have every right to; Rey and Ben would then have to figure all of this out on their own. 

Jumping from planet to planet, doing everything they could to stay hidden.

And Rey has not a credit to her name nor any land for them to begin. The parents and family that she had spent over a decade waiting for was - _They were nobody, probably dead in a paupers grave_. Well, they were probably dead.

Finn and BB-8 were both with the Resistance, counting their losses and settling in a new base on some faraway planet she's never heard of. The First Order would be licking their wounds for a day cycle or so, Rey can feel Ben's thoughts on the matter. The collection of Fascists would spend the next few weeks screaming and threatening all who would cross them while refusing to act on their claims. 

They'll likely place a bounty on Ben's head within the next twelve standard hours. Rey couldn't provide them with credits or portions and given everything going on with Ben's former allegiance she couldn't bring herself to inquire about his financial situation.

The foreseeable future was going to be awful for most everyone in the galaxy.

Yet Rey's beyond exhausted. She hasn't slept in an eternity, she now has to fight against the weight of her eyelids and the black static that covers her vision if she turns her head too fast. Not to mention that she was cramped inside of Ben's ship, ridding ontop his lap which has quickly gone from an enjoyable pastime that made to her blush to making her completely frustrated and insatiable. 

Her sentiment was shared by Ben who kept dropping the stirring collum just so he could pull her back up to his thigh whenever she slipped down between the two. His body's reaction to their situation was growing more noticeable the longer they continued to fly but Rey could feel Ben's silent pleas for her to ignore it vibrating in the bond.

His knuckles were white, gripping the stirring wheel tight enough for the covering to whine against his hold. Rey could hear Ben's teeth grinding as well, their flight to Takodana was taking far longer than either of them would like.

✨✨✨

Rey doesn't recognize the immediate area that Ben lands his ship in. The trees look nothing like they had before, even the soil held a different tint. If it weren't for the planet's name being displayed on the ship's console, Rey would have thought he brought her elsewhere.

Ben unlatches the hatchet before his ship truly touches the ground, Rey bestows mercy upon him and carefully crawls out the moment she's able to. Like last time, Ben stays behind for a moment. His breathing much harsher than before and crowed with desperation.

Rey finds herself breathing much in the same way. Takodana's air was somehow freezing against her face, so sharp that Rey expects her skin to crack open and bleed her dry. Rey is no stranger to lonely days and hot summer nights spent on Jakku, but not one had been as intense as this feeling.

But she had been alone then, now there was another, and Ben reciprocated those feelings and - _Maker_ she had to stop herself from thinking too much about that now.

Rey takes in the surrounding forest, she truly does not recognize anything, nor does she hear any lakes or running water. Ben must have landed too far away from Maz's palace, for all Rey knew it could take them days to even find the woman they sought.

They would have to hunt and camp in an unfamiliar setting, could they even afford to take this kind of precaution? 

Rey looks back to Ben, his face is lost to her in that mess of dark hair. She can still hear muffled beeping come from his ship.

A weight drops inside of Rey.

The First Order would track any ship that was under their command, Kylo Ren's TIE Silencer would be no exception. Was there any way to disable the device or were they too late to notice? Should they except and an army of Stormtroopers to land on the planet? Did they have to flee again?

Rey's lips part, but Ben stands before any questions leave her. The crimson light of his saber reflects off the black metal lining his ship. Without warning, Ben beats his lightsaber against his ship's console, the metal warping, and turning into a burning orange color.

Ben stays there, beating against it until he's satisfied with the damage.

✨✨✨

Smoke is still rising as Ben jumps down and approaches her. The entire ship is groaning with the damage, but Rey can still hear beeping.

Rey truly isn't sure why she opens her mouth, but she can't stop herself from pettily stating, "The forest could burn."

Ben had been ready for such a comment, faster than lightspeed his unruly large hand grabs her wrist and pulls her towards a low hanging tree branch. Rey's pulled to her tiptoes and her muscles whine at the unexpected stretch, but she doesn't miss the water droplets that greet her skin.

"It's rained not too long ago. The forest will be _fine_." His words are coated in unneeded venom and scolding, but Rey knows better. 

Ben hadn't left his ship when he chose to destroy the console, there's no way in the galaxy he could have known about the state of the forest. 

Rey bites back, the flames of her aggression merging with his. "So, should I only worry about the First Order -" Ben interrupts her at once.

"My ship was trackable through a live feed that _only_ the Supreme Leader could access, Hux has more to worry about at the moment than to call a witch hunt on me. Besides, he wouldn't think to check on my travel log until he's assessed the damage to the First Order. He's a snake, and a ruthless general that's earned his place -" Rey doesn't like that he's complimenting Armitage.

The man had been just as sick as Snoke, Ben had to understand that. After what comments he made about Rey being kept like some _pet,_ Ben shouldn't be - Her thoughts are interrupted when Ben repeats, "Rey. I destroyed my tracking device, now I want you to destroy _yours_."

"What?"

Ben is _seething_ now. "You agreed to _leave_ the war behind, but I've been able to hear whatever device you have tucked away in your bag since the elevator with Hux."

Was he _actually_ accusing her of - "The only device I had was a _bracelet_ Leia gave me but I wouldn't have risked the Rebels safety by bringing it onto the _Finalizer_!"

Ben's still holding onto her wrist and Rey finally pulls her hand away, going so far as to step back when he reaches for her again. Anger bleeds from Ben, he wears it like a divine right passed down from generation after generation.

But he had _nothing_ against the fire that burned inside of her.

The bracelet wasn't even a true tracking device, it would only lead her to the other half with flashing lights and quiet beeps as her guide.

"Rey, I can _hear_ it."

So can she, it's the same high pitched irritating sound that his ship has been making since they boarded it. Ben was refusing to accept that he had been the one responsible for disclosing their location to one of the two factions that they had betrayed.

Besides, Rey remembers removing the bracelet when she changed clothing on the _falcon_. She'd set it on the nightstand, one of the porgs from Ahch-To had begun chewing on it while another attempted to nest inside of her satchel.

Rey had moved both creatures onto the wet pile of her dirty clothes and attached her satchel to her utility belt. She left those porgs in the cabin and Leia's bracelet on the ship, but if this was the hill Ben wanted to die on Rey would be _more_ than happy to prove him wrong.

She all but rips her satchel from her belt, unclasping the top and dumping all of the contents on the ground.

Leia's bracelet included.

Rey stops breathing, all oxygen escapes her. Her body paralyzed as Ben snatches the tracking device, crushing it in his hand before throwing it to the small fire spreading in the cockpit of his ship.

He doesn't turn back to face her, not yet. Rey watches his back carefully, unsure of what will be said next. Their respective energies were chaotic, tainting the peace of the forest with their rage and insecurities. Rey had thought, she had been so sure -

The moment reaches its climax with the unexpected explosion of Ben's ship.

Ben rushes to her side, standing between her and the fire. The heat it brings to her skin was unbearable. Ben turns to face her, rage still clouding his eyes. There's a quiver in his chin as well, still not saying anything to her.

His olive brown eyes flicker to everything else that had spilled from her satchel, Rey wordlessly bends down, retrieving sand covered clothes, nuts, and bolts, dull switchblades, and a scattering of porg feathers. She doesn't meet his eye when she stands back up.

After that, he places his hand on her lower back he ushers them deeper into the forest.

✨✨✨

Their mutual frustration lingered, her skin still felt too warm, insects were now buzzing in their ears, sticking to sweaty flesh. There was also a building stress that was raking its claws down her back, not to mention shame and embarrassment that made her want to curl into the smallest ball she could manage and just-

She was tired, they both were.

She and Ben were walking blindly through the forest, not bothering to exchange any words, their overwhelming state of emotions was clear and potent in the bond. Neither of them could ignore it.

However, after several more minutes of silence, Rey couldn't take it anymore. Everything kept building and building and building. She was ready to scream.

With the smallest, _calmest_ voice she could manage, Rey asks "How far away are we from Maz's palace?"

Ben once again overreacts to the situation, whipping his head towards her as though she'd struck him. "You expected me to take us _there_?"

Something inside Rey snaps as well. Like a woman broken over a petty argument, she removes herself from him, assuming a fighting position. "Where are we!"

"Do you honestly think we would be welcomed there? Her palace is _crawling_ with Stormtroopers and Rebel sympathizers. Can't you see that I'm _protecting_ you by not bringing you there."

_Please Rey, tell me what to do_. Why had he even bothered, why would he even ask what she wanted if he was just going to go along with whatever he wanted?

"Where. Are. We." Rey demands.

"Takodana," He tells her, the softness of his olive brown eyes hidden by something darker. "Nothern equator. There should be some backwater village nearby where we can rest and think over a _real_ plan."

Rey's jaw is slack. She feels insulted, talked down to like a child. She wants to _scream_. She's lost in the burning desire to take her lightsaber and lunge at the bastard. Rey isn't so far gone that she has any longing to kill Ben, but she needs him to _shut up_.

And Ben _wants_ that, he wants her to ignite her saber and attack him. She can see the itch in his fingers, the restlessness and exhaustion. The need to fight because that's all they had left. Ben knew how to egg her on to the point of blind rage. He _wanted_ to fight.

And Rey wouldn't let him have it.

She steps past him, continuing in the direction he had chosen. In silence, Rey buries her nails into the flesh of her palm enough to draw blood, and Ben follows behind her. His rage in the force strong enough to tremble the surrounding trees.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> really struggled with this chapter bc i had a real sad bit that i thought might have been too much, so after much deliberation i removed it and now these two kids can just be angry and sexually frustrated


	9. Chapter 9

Her hand twitches towards the direction of her weapon, and though Rey knows she would be in the wrong, she's actually considering giving in to the fight they both clearly want to have. 

Only her steady breathing and fleeting rationality keep her from acting on her impulse.

The ground moves in slow vibrations below them as they walk, tree roots rising, dirt shifting; the event gave off the impression that the planet itself was breathing. The trees were whining as well. Grand and mighty oaks being bent away from the negative energy, crying at the strain and their lack of flexibility. Branches crack, birds abandon their nests.

Rey once again feels the itch return to her fingers, the blood rage that called her to ignite her saber and tell Ben to _stop_ projecting his mood on the fucking forest. 

But Rey is not blind to the way the fauna moves in time with her breathing, the rocks that swirl around her feet.

The forset was a victim of their combined aggression. Tainted by the dark side influence from two souls lost from the ways of the force. Whatever light that existed between them was overpowered by the darkness they carried.

Rey wishes that there was more for them besides raw anger.

✨✨✨

An hour of silence passes between them. 

Somewhere through the weeds and south of a dying riverbend, exhaustion brings them an essence of peace. Rey's feet drag through the dirt, through the glances she places upon Ben, she can see the purple like bruises under his eyes.

Rey considers being the first to smother the embers of their lingering argument. She should turn around to face him, look into those big sad eyes of his while she reaches for his hand. _We should rest for a moment, feed ourselves and take a breath._

Although Rey is no stranger to sleeping under the stars, she's never had to make camp in a forest. Not even her pathetic amount of time on Ahch-To had prepared her for a task like that.

But Ben has spent years as a solider, surly somewhere between destroying Skywalkers temple and killing his father _Kylo Ren_ must have camped in the woods at least once.

_No, stop that._ Rey wasn't being fair, she had no right to judge him for those actions now that she knew the truth behind them. Still, she flexes her hand as a new wave of fire begins to burn inside of her.

She doesn't say anything, she doesn't suggest that they both take a moment to rest.

Rey doesn't trust herself at the moment. 

Ben refrains from speaking as well, trekking through the woods that lacks any and all comfort of heat, not even the distant sun can spare their bones the ache from the cold. 

✨✨✨

Another standard hour passes before they come across a directional post, indicating a small village just three miles to the west. A path made of broken cobblestones leading the way for them.

"Come on," Ben's voice is soft despite the raspiness, his hand gently presses against her upper back for a moment before he seems to doubt the action.

She doesn't need him to guide her, but Rey had hoped his hand wouldn't leave her. She hoped that Ben would have held onto her until they arrived.

✨✨✨

The village is bathed in a golden glow from the setting sun. Stone cottages and frostbitten gardens huddled too close together. There are barns laying in the distance, animals lounging outside rusty doors. _Kriff_ The smell would be _awful_ but they would at least be warm. Another issue was that she and Ben still needed to eat first.

A wide water well had been placed at the center of the town, two children chase each other around its base. They trample over golden leaves and red pine needles with a lightness that Rey knows she had never possessed as a child. 

Beyond them, Rey can see shop keepers closing their doors before walking the short distance to the lone tavern. Patrons sit outside the canteena chattering about with their first drink of the night in hand, however it's still early enough that the absence of music is noticeable.

They'll have food inside which the barkeep will no doubt try to upcharge them for, hopefully they will have a sonic and a bed that there would be a vacancy for. If the force had any lingering kindness for her and Ben.

Not that they have credits or anything of value to purchase a room. Neither of them bothered to detail out more their plan beyond _Let's run away together. Dashing across the galaxy, we'll be outlaws amongst the stars._

This wouldn't be the first time she went to bed hungry and Rey knows better than to think it would be her last. But-

She looks to Ben, who is completely lost in thought as he watches the scene of the village before them. His profile is turned to her, a warm orange glow highlights his features. Reviving life into his skin, making the sharpness and the sorrow softer.

A slight breath leaves her, her composure changing. It didn't matter how cold and rude he had been earlier.

Rey didn't want him to go hungry.

Still, she cringes as she searches for the best way to talk to him.

"Ben, I-" Rey only stops herself for a moment as he turns to look at her. "I know it won't be ideal, but we need to eat. Canteena's like this have dumpsters in the back and I've had plenty of my meals like that, so I- I'm trying to say that it's not as bad as it sounds,"

Rey's voice trails off as an expression of _hurt_ takes over Ben's face. Shock clouding his olive brown eyes and disbelief parting his lips.

His look immediantly makes her felt stupid for even _suggesting_ it - Rey scrambles to find some alternative. 

"That's - We can try and hunt for food, and," She gestures behind Ben, but he doesn't turn to look. Rey feels some agitation slip through, begging her to comment something along the lines of _Sleeping in a barn might not be up to your standards._ But thankfully, her rage seems to have fallen just as quiet as her voice, saying "It's not as bad as it sounds."

His jaw is slack, his features warped in distraught. An emotion that Rey cannot name flares in the bond, spiraling around them, washing out the golden light from the setting sun. 

She didn't think Ben would be _thrilled_ about their circumstance, but she hadn't been prepared for him to be outright _disgusted_ by it. Rey's about to backtrack yet again, think of something that sounds more appealing -

But then Ben takes the quiet initiative.

Locking his fingers through hers and starting toward the canteena.

The touch of Ben's skin against her soothes the worry that had been twisting inside of her, his hand was far larger than she remembered. So comforting and warm.

Ben strides forward with determination in his step, Rey refrains from whispering his name or inquiring his motivations. She loses the remainder of her rage in the distance between them and the tavern.

Rey tightens her hold on his hand, trusting Ben with each step taken. 

✨✨✨

There are curious glances that study them but none last long. Losing interest in favor of their own conversation or bubbly drinks. The canteena's air is thick with smoke that moves under dim lighting fixtures. 

The innkeeper is a young man with purple pink skin and ears morphed into his flesh. His lips are parted in preparation of a wary greeting but Ben speaks before the innkeeper has an opportunity to.

Wasting no time on formality or attempt at civility, Ben waves two fingers through the air.

"You will give us lodging for the night."

The effect is instantaneous with the young man repeating Ben's command in a monotone drawl, sliding an old metallic keycard across a glossy counter. None of the patrons could have overheard the one-sided banter yet there was still attention on them.

Ben waves his hand again, ordering "You will forget our faces." Again the innkeeper mimicks Ben, but they are already walking away.

Weaving through the dining tables and bar stools, past the bathrooms and a bands stage. Rey notes that a complimentary plate of blue bread has begun to float after them. A weak smile finds her, she's unable to see Ben's face following behind him like this.

Rey can, however, _feel_ him in the bond. It was _concern_ that Rey felt, the emotion was rolling and pulsing from him, a newfound protectiveness and a _suggestion_ of outrage which Rey failed to understand.

But the bond was soft, wrapping them together with peace and security. A promise of the unknown future they had chosen together. Nothing had ever been easy for Rey or for Ben, yet they would be stronger _together._

They were both trying, there existed an infinite amount of issues that the two of them had to work through and overcome. Demons and regrets they had to face, sins they've yet to confess.

_These_ were struggles that could wait for them in the morning, after they've both slept.

When their bones aren't aching, and they're both surrounded by warmth and pleasantly full. They would work together, offer each other forgiving touches, and sympathetic nods. There was more for them besides raw anger.

She and Ben often lost themselves in it, but there were more than their rage.

Rey carries this knowledge with her as they near the end of their walk, and the entrance to their room is just in reach. A panel glowing with a red light that clicks to green after Ben flicks the keycard across the screen. 

The tension in Ben's shoulders seem lighter as well, he finally turns to face her before the doors open. Those big olive brown eyes of his are so warm where they hold her gaze. There's soft lighting that brings out a chestnut halo in his hair.

Ben's smiling at her as well. Plush lips that had kissed her not long ago pulled softly in a melancholic smile.

Rey squeezes his hand again, savoring the peace and promise of slumber that was finally ready for their company. They step into their room, resigned to their shared fate,

Until the door slides shut, and they're confronted with a single twin sized mattress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiiiii
> 
> sorry for the long wait, i've been in a small bit of pain but now i have a prescription for antibiotics and a surgery lined up for later this month so hopefully i'll be able to update more frequently.
> 
> also, after reviewing my outline for what i have planned, it's going to take a lot more than 15 chapters, but i won't change the chapter count until i'm like 100% certain.
> 
> anyway thank you for reading!!!


	10. Chapter 10

The air between them is once again tense and uncomfortable. Rey's mouth is hanging open lamely as she is faced with another cosmic joke that she doesn't understand.

Rey is hyper aware of each torturous, _agonizing_ second that passes. Burning her face with a deep red blush while the hand that is currently intertwined with Bens is quickly becoming sweaty and uncomfortable.

She's staring at the twin sized mattress with a storm of emotions clouding her senses. Her heart only continues to beat at the hope that the bed will, by some grace of the force, suddenly double in size so that they might have the opportunity to _share,_ but that only makes Rey more flustered.

Because the sexual implications of riding in his lap and sharing a bed with Ben is half of the reason of why they had run away together,

But now that Rey is faced with another setback as well as a rather bold reminder of an inevitable step in her relationship with Ben -

There's a sudden sharp intake of breath from Ben, the beginning of a strained sentence that Rey is _not_ ready to confront. She tramples over whatever he had been trying to say.

"I'll sleep on the floor, it's not a problem," Afterall, Ben is still _technically_ a prince, Rey isn't sure if she would face any legal trouble by making him sleep on the floor but - Kriff, who is she kidding. Forcing a would be prince to sleep on a filth covered floor is the least of her lawful worries.

Bens hold on her hand tightens, squeezing her palm enough to bring a golden pain.

"No," Ben drawls out his response as though it chokes him, he repeats the word twice to reaffirm his stance on the matter. "You'll take the bed." He speaks it like a desperate command

Rey turns to catch his gaze but his eyes are fixed on the twin sized mattress. Ben's face is painted in a deep crimson blush. Dark eyes close shut as though he was trying to run from his own thoughts. Rey wishes that he would just _look_ at her.

She isn't even sure what to think of him relenting the bed to her.

Was he going to turn and walk out? Go to the inn keep and acquire himself another room? He wasn't actually planning on sleeping on the ground, was he? The mattress couldn't be _unsalvagable,_ if they both slept on their sides and didn't move once during the night maybe the could manage.

But then if they were dead set on sharing a bed they could simply request another room, it wasn't as if they were paying for this one.

Maybe Ben didn't want to share a bed with her, maybe the temptation would be too great or maybe he was worried that she wouldn't be able to help herself,

Kriff why did this have to be so fucking awkward and uncomfortable?

Ben's hand is slipping away from hers, returning with a foreign object.

"Eat," He says, "We have enough to worry about in the morning." Ben leaves the blue bread in her care, running his finger across the back of her hand before he steps further into the room. "I don't want to fight about this. I don't want to argue anymore."

Rey watches with a dry mouth as he lazily drops a throw pillow onto the ground next to the bed.

✨✨✨

They don't last very long after that.

Neither of them uses the complimentary 'fresher, much to the disapproval of the grim coating her flesh. Using the sonic means taking off her clothing, and the same would be said for Ben, but the _thought_ of Ben naked-

So they don't bath.

The moment is quiet and uncomfortable. The two of them stuff their faces and down the water pitcher on the small dining table in the corner of the room. After that, they remove their boots and avoid all eye contact.

Rey is crawling on top of the mattress while Ben lowers himself to the ground, before he has the chance to lay back, Rey wordlessly hands him the thicker comforter that had been laying ontop the bed.

Ben continues to avoid her gaze, but he does not decline her gift. Offering her a melancholic smile in return.

Rey is left with thin white sheets that stain at her every touch, she moves to shift underneath the covers. Her body is so heavy, her neck strains even as Rey rests against the too soft pillow.

With a flex of his finger and a stronghold of the force, the lights to the room flick off. It's only when they are left alone in silence and darkness that Rey understands that _this_ is too much.

The moment is suffocating, his smell, his proxcimity, 

It's not unwanted or unpleasant,

but her heart is _hammering_ in her chest and there is something fluttering in her body despite the ache. Kriff, maybe she should insist that they get separate rooms, she can hear _everything_ through the silence. The rustle of his clothing, the hitch in his breathing. Rey knows that she won't be able to sleep like this. She can't imagine that Ben is fairing any better than she-

_"When I had trouble sleeping, my-" A pained breath follows, "My father would take me onto his ship; he would only have to fly around the planet once before I was out. To this day, falling asleep without engines roaring around me feels unnatural."_

Ben's probably drowning in this silence, Rey knows that he's still awake.

"I'm sure there is a conditioner or radiator, something we could turn on that would make noise if that would help you." _Please let me help you_ She thinks, _We don't have to argue, just please let me help you._

He waits a moment to respond, but Rey feels the shift in the bond. A warm touch, a promise of ease and hope. "Thank you," Is what Ben says first, "I'll survive the night without it." He swallows next. "What about you?"

Reys eyes search a ceiling she can't see. "Me?" 

Again, Ben waits. "You spent your whole life on Jakku, on Star Killer I saw -" He cuts himself off, attempting to save them both from the grief of a bad memory that was always lingering.

And Rey looks past their mutual grief and day old mistakes. She doesn't think over the answer that begins to pour from her, unrestrained.

"I didn't just imagine an island," She defends first, "There was more to that _hopeless_ dream." Rey swallows, "The wind would howl so terribly at night, when I was younger, I placed anything that emitted light across my home. It was too dangerous to sleep outside so- I'd pretend they were stars, or that I was on a boat at sea."

Poor little scavenger girl, always playing pretend. Swaying side to side in her hammock, make believing that she was a ship captain on a long voyage home to a green island. If only she had known about those troublesome porgs, maybe she would have imagined somewhere else. She's still rambling, Rey isn't even able to register her own words as she begs herself to _shut up_ but Ben is continuing her rambling with questions.

So genuine and curious. "You only stayed in that AT-AT walker, you never traveled through the desert to find your mother's residence?"

_She abandoned me, I wanted so much more and she left me._ She can't answer him, so Rey allows her own cruel question to pass her lips.

Still bothered by some of his mistakes, "Why wouldn't you go back for the hair oil from Alderaan? You reused to go back to the Resistance and that bottle, it's all we have left of your mother and you wouldn't even try!"

The comforter ripples in sound as it slips from Ben's body. The mattress dips as some of his weight presses over it. 

Rey's voice dies out as she sits upright, from their angle, and through the darkness, Rey knows that she's only inches taller than the man looking up at her. Their breaths mingling in the close distance separating them. Nothing happens for several long moments,

But, eventually, his large fingers delicately wrapped around her wrist. slowly, so slowly, he places a glass bottle in her hand.

Rey knows what this object is, so much smaller than her imagination expected. She is choked by the relief and loss she feels at its presence. The weight of the moment lingers with anticipation until Ben says.

"There was nothing to go back for."

Both of his hands now cover hers, urging her fingers to wrap around the fragile glass. She can hear it in his voice, the tears the dark won't allow her to see falling from his olive brown eyes.

"I've carried it with me for years." He confesses, "It was on my person when I-"

Ben stops there, he didn't need to say anything else.

Rey reaches for his face with her free hand. brushing her thumb over his wet cheek, feeling the grooves of the scar she had sliced into his face. She was unsure of so much, conflicted and torn. The clarity of the surrounding darkness softened what should have filled her with rage and sorrow.

She moves with soft intentions while the bond whispers quiet directions. Rey slips from the mattress and sinks to the ground next to Ben. Not once letting go of him or the bottle.

With clasped hands, they both bear the weight of his sins and regrets,

And some of hers as well.

✨✨✨

Her eyes flutter open at the first glimpse of sunlight, she can hear his heartbeat under her ear, and though she's awoken to aching bones and lingering pain.

Rey's hand is still clasped around Bens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> had an allergic reation to the antibiotics so they had to give me a new dose and then i moved cross country and like idk i still have surgery to look forward to.


	11. Chapter 11

In the quiet morning glow of Takondanas rising sun, they face their second departure from one another. A chorus of chirping birds and the soft murmurs of early patrons can be heard on the other side of thin walls.

Disentangling their limbs, muffling moans from stiff muscles and aching bones. A dried spot of drool can be seen on Ben's chest from where Rey had laid her head for the night and there's a kink in her neck that pains her if she turns her head to fast.

Like pin needles being driven into her flesh.

Her mouth is painfully dry, and Rey is hyper aware of her own smell. There is, also, a _suggestion_ of a headache creeping in at the left side of her skull. A whisper that caresses her brain with a slight _this will be an unpleasant morning_ but, ever the expert of her own body, Rey knows that she needs only eat to keep away any migraines. 

Ben hadn't eaten the night before. He only handed her the larger piece of blue bread they had before he bent down to lay on the floor. He had been so ready and content to go without and be alone until Rey had curled up next to him. 

Intertwining their fingers together, clasping a melancholy memory of a woman that neither of them would see again.

This moment between them laid together on a dusty floor was always doomed to become a memory. Something that would have never lasted and will only exist now as a fond story the two of them might recall from time to time.

Still, there is a reluctance in the way Ben withdrawals his hand from hers. Delicately tucking away the empty bottle of hair oil from his mother's home planet for safekeeping.

The veil of slumber still paints Ben's expression even as he sits upright beside her. Rey immediately notes that the purple bruises under his eyes have considerably lessened. Peace has momentarily taken him as a companion. 

Even the light part of plush lips strikes Rey as a youthful and boyish touch that she hadn't expected of him. If Rey stares at his lips for a moment too long, Ben declines to comment.

But the action does _not_ escape his notice.

Olive brown eyes blink in recognition of an emotion that they are both only just becoming familiar with. Something that was once the definition of their loneliness that has since been transformed into -

Well, into what _this_ is.

Rey continues to flicker her gaze between the sight of soft lips and dangerous eyes. Ben himself seems caught in the same storm, although his electrifying emotions seem to be building up to a catastrophic storm. 

Like a hurricane. Luke had mentioned something like that in an off handed comment. Rey still wasn't actually sure what it was, she read between the lines of his words to understand that the event was epic. If not deadly.

A ragged breath _rips_ through Ben's throat, or was that her gasping for air. Rey isn't sure which one of their lungs is being burned by the oxygen they draw.

She's so lost observing his face, counting his freckles again, observing the line of his nose, the bedridden state of his hair, the scar she had slashed across his face.

And Ben watches her with the same intensity as long calloused fingers reach for her face.

The touch of his fingertips against her cheek is an electric pulse that jolts through her body straight to her core. Her mind continues to spin with the delicious mixture of slumber and the whirlwind, anticipated moment currently leading her actions.

Her body understands. 

That or her body is over glorifying the slightest touch that another living person has placed upon her.

Ben's hand moves like fire, spreading across her cheek until his thick fingers brush against her ear, tangle in her hair. 

Rey had never once in her life thought heat to mean anything other than death. Dry and unforgiving. A plague upon existence.

But this flame that takes hold of her currently, it is a healing balm.

Something she hadn't known she needed until now,

Until an impossibly thick thumb gently pads at her lower lips.

Rey is no stranger to hunger, the feeling was so much closer to her than a companion, closer than a friend. Hunger was like her sister, and isolation their elder. Yes, Rey knows all about hunger.

And Ben kisses her like a man about to perish from starvation. She shares the sentiment as well.

It's quick and _hard_ the press of his lips against hers. The throb that hits her teeth from the impact tells Rey that he wants to leave an impression and _no_ he will _not_ be the only one to leave a mark from this kiss.

Rey runs her tongue lightly along the swell of his lower lip, Ben opens himself to her as his fingers twist in her loose hair, as his other hand presses flat against her clavicle. His breath is so hot and intoxicating when it mingles with her own and yes, _yes_.

Just before his tongue has the opportunity to touch hers, Rey takes Ben's lip between her teeth and nips,

Or perhaps bite would be the better word. She hasn't drawn any blood but even though Ben is the only man she has ever kissed, there is some cosmic knowledge currently screaming at her that _you aren't supposed to bite that hard._

But Ben, he is only taken aback for a moment, a heartbeat, and then he is a man remade. The fire inside him that had prompted him to kiss her blazing with a second wind. 

His tongue delves inside of Rey's mouth, rolling over hers, drinking and _tasting_ her. It's cruel and wicked the things the quick and methodical movements of his tongue does to her. Rey's skin vibrates with each movement, pulsing as the hand he has placed over her heart urges her back.

Rey resists against his wishes though she wants them as well. There is something _more_ in her that, that wants to annoy him. 

She has an endless list of reasons of why she should annoy him but why Rey would want that while Ben's tongue is currently stuffed inside her mouth is lost to her -

Until, she feels his smile pressed against her lips, she can taste it in his mouth.

And the bond, the bond is swirling around her in hot movements that urge her closer to him. Rey can hear countless mummers and whispers of praise as Ben kisses her again, every word is said in his voice and there are so many things he's complimenting her for that Rey can't actually distinguish what they are individually.

And oh, Ben's whispering it against her skin as well. Trailing kisses along her jawline and dotted with precision across her face.

His voice is rich and thick, like smoke and masculinity. His hand is still pressed high on her chest when it moves slightly, ever so slightly, downwards. Ben's hand is only technically touching layers of fabric that Rey happens to be wearing but she can feel every touch.

It's like her skin is hot and glowing with it, the only flesh of hers that Ben's hand has access to his her neck and whats exposed of her collarbone, and when he moves an inch lower again his thick fingers continue to touch her there. His hands are ridiculously large.

Rey understands where his reach his headed, and her body aches with an unknown need for him to touch there. She arches her back as an unspoken invitation that Rey hopes is more elegant than the _have a go at my tit_ move she suspects it might come across as.

However Ben might find her movements, Rey can hear the hiss of air when Ben sucks in air, she feels it move against her skin. His nose is buried in the crook behind her ear, Ben places a soft kiss against her pulse.

Then his hand is moving, lowering until he's cupping her breast. 

A light sigh slips past her lips, something akin to relief and a _mourning_ at understanding that this one touch is _not enough._

She wants to feel his skin against hers, in this moment she thinks she might die without it.

Ben adjusts his hand, delicately moving to either side, searching for the perfect hold until he flexes his fingers against the swell of her breast. Running his thumb against the soft gray fabric that drapes her thin frame.

The room is scorching hot, the heat is damn near suffocating. Fire is radiating off of Ben's skin, through the bond. Red, bright burning red as he continues to massage her breast. He's still kissing her neck.

His lips are wet, at times his tongue dips out to taste her skin. When Ben does this, the bond rattles. There is something fragile ready to break. Ben's sucking a spot on her neck, biting and licking the area to soothe any pain.

There are more compliments and praise. Still in his voice but Rey can hear her own as well, and _stars_ there are so many things being said she isn't sure what stays in the bond and what they say out loud.

The words of affection are, at first, romantic and innocent, but as this encounter continues. Its whispers of what the want next, their hopes for the future. Confessions of attraction that began long before they decided to run away together.

_I knew it was you, I've known since Star Killer Base._ Ben's lips have returned to hers, he might be saying these words into her mouth.

Rey's is decidedly less romantic than his, her hands are tangled in his messy hair, _I couldn't breathe when I saw you, your bare chest._ She had been struck by the hunger in his eyes back then. The powerful breath he had taken in. 

Before that moment, Rey had only been vaguely aware of men. She had, of course, encountered them, engaging in conversation. Rey has also heard gossip and caught glimpses of holovideos and holoimages.

But Ben had changed everything. Something inside her awoke the moment they had met. This man had altered her destiny, just as she had altered his. They had been promised each other by the force, and even though this was a path neither of them had expected, it was still _theirs._

Rey runs her hand over the front of his chest as she deepens the kiss further. She's desperately searching for any way to undress him, she needs to see his skin again, she needs to feel him against her.

And Ben,

Ben just as soon breaks the kiss.

Pulling away from her with a red face. Removing himself as though it _kills_ him. Ben's breathing is harsh. The heat never leaves her, the flame inside only moves behind her eyes. Rey won't cry in front of him again, 

Though they're so close. "Is it-" She can't even ask, there is unlaying frustration and anger that will only prompt her to lash out if she hears something that might break her heart. She can't ask him if he doesn't find her attractive.

Rey does, take the rude incentive to glance down at his lap for some sign of confirmation, and she finds it. Tented in his trousers, a thick bulge that steals her breath away.

Ben shifts and moves to cover his clothed erection. Clearing his throat to draw her attention away from the sight of it.

Rey swallows her insecurity, "Ben," She wishes that she didn't sound so desperate when she says his name. Rey opens her mouth to say the right thing but nothing comes out.

"I want you."

Ben is honest, his voice deep, and truly desperate. Rey looks into those olive brown eyes and sees how _hard_ this is for him. 

"I want you too." Rey's voice is firm, yet quiet.

His lip quivers, Ben's jaw falls slack momentarily before he swallows. Closing his eyes as well. "Rey, you deserve more than some taverns backroom. I -" He doesn't finish his sentence. Rey stays silent, and pretends to understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hii!! <3 <3
> 
> extended the chapter count and I should be lucky and have my surgery sometime novemeber or december. <3 <3 <3 now there isn't any smut next chapter bc it's planned for the chapter /after/ that but I think i might just make a whole chapter just for the smut in which case the chapter count will be extended again <3 <3


	12. Chapter 12

After an uncomfortable, suffocating pause, Ben quietly tells Rey that he'll go get them both something to eat and she's free to use the sonic while he's gone.

The part of her that is still burned by a rejection that she doesn't understand wants to snap at him. Rey's bitterness urges her to look and analyze his words to find some veiled criticism directed at her but,

In the end, Rey only nods, 

Picking herself off of the ground while making as little sound as she can. 

Ben watches her under a burning gaze that screams both desire and regret. Rey studies how the light sits on the slope of his nose, how the soft shine brings out chestnut in his hair. Rey doesn't look away until Ben moves towards the exit of their little sanctuary. 

She can't watch him go. Even though she _knows_ Ben is coming back,

Rey can't watch him leave.

✨✨✨

Rey empties her mind while she undresses and remains locked away from her subconscious until she's redressed.

When she leaves the 'fresher with clean skin and only of freckles of doubt, Rey finds Ben finishing the last of his breakfast. Her own plate sits next to his and steam continues to lazily drift off its contents. There were fresh meat and sauteed vegetables and -

Rey's body is _blindsided_ by the sight of luxurious food. She feels a bit of drool slip past her lips as Rey all but _lunges_ herself at the table. There's a gathering of something dark green that smells sinfully delicious, Rey scoops up a large portion of it with her fingers and drops it into her mouth.

By the _gods_ , it is an _explosion_ of flavor that assaults her senses. 

After a lifetime of dried rations and two days of funny tasting fish - There were actual tears in her eyes. This meal was too much, and there was _so_ much of it.

Rey breaks off a bit of bread from the roll provided, dipping the end of it in the complimentary soup. A tear falls from her eyes when she places the treat into her mouth, a moan muffled against the food.

It's a paradise she had never known, her only glimpse into the world of affordable luxury had been walking past the cantina on Niima Outpost. The promise of warm food and a safe haven away from the unforgiving sands of Jakku was something Rey hadn't even allowed herself to dream of back then.

Back on Ahch-To, Chewie had made them each a porg to share, but neither of them could go through with their dinner with the living creatures gazing up at them sadly. Rey never attempted again, settling instead for Skywalkers fish serving.

Now, her breakfast plate lasts forever but her meal is gone before she's ready for it to be.

It's only when her plate is empty that Rey notices Ben's absence, but panic never finds her for she feels his force energy in the adjoining room. He was only several feet away from her in the 'fresher. 

Rey feels an unpleasant mixture of excitement and anxiety at what this situation brings next. They've both eaten, cleaned up. 

Once Ben leaves the 'fresher, all that will be left for them is to talk about what comes next; and given how efficient the man Rey has chosen to run away with is:

The discussion for what comes next will take place sooner than Rey wants it to.

✨✨✨

Except, 

Ben takes far longer in the 'fresher than Rey had expected.

As the minutes pass by and it becomes increasingly clear that Ben might also be trying to avoid the impending conversation, the more _at ease_ Rey feels. It's comforting, knowing that she isn't alone in her fears.

She and Ben are so often prone to arguments and dismissing the others' ideas. It shouldn't be like that any longer. They are in this _together_ , and they really shouldn't be fighting this much. So, she'll fly her white flag. 

Rey removes the plates from their shared room and carelessly attempts to make the unused bed. Repeatedly reminding herself as she moves about the small room that she will be calm, open, understanding, and receptive to _anything_ that Ben might say when he leaves the sonic.

She uses this time to think about what she wants from the future. The parts of her vision that might still be there waiting for her. Rey thinks that they could fly out into wild space, settle on the outskirts of a civilization. In a thick green forest, she could build them a cottage next to a riverbed.

Ben could plant a garden, Rey wonders if he would enjoy something like that. They would live off the land and help around the village. It would be quiet, a place such as the one she dreams of would give them the chance to communicate, to work on their relationship, and figure out what to do about the lingering sexual tension. Kriff, there might be hope for them -

Rey goes stiff at a sudden disturbance in the force -

No, a disturbance in the _bond._

It's a flash of bright emotion the _burns_ from Ben's side. There one moment and smothered the next, like he's trying to hide it from her.

But Rey isn't lost on what has just occured. 

Her face is painted in a deep blush with understanding. Her heart _beats_ against her ribs, lost in excitement and _flattery_. The heat and tension that sat in her lower belly this morning awaken with renewed interest.

Rey's body reacts to this new development before her brain can think better of it. She doesn't need to press into the bond to know that Ben is still locked away in his own private afterglow.

And yes, bond be damned, if Ben wanted privacy then Rey would allow him that. She would not deny him what he had a right to.

So, Rey quickly resumes her previous seat at the small end table. Hands folded in her lap, trying not to press her thighs together as she calms herself and her reaction. To save them both a little humility.

✨✨✨

Ben exits the 'fresher with a flushed face and large red-tinted ear which he quickly hides from her when he catches her staring.

He looks more relaxed than he had when she had last seen him, and she's happy. One of them should be.

Rey even smiles as Ben sits opposite her, the short distance between them as their legs brushing and innocently tangling together. His breathing is soft and peaceful, the light of the late morning sun reflects renewed youth in his olive brown eyes.

Absurdly large hands place themselves flat against the glossy surface, so close to her own, and it is clear in both his demeanor and energy that Ben is extending just as much effort as Rey to ensure that there is no arguments or passive-aggressive quips from either party.

Ben swallows first. "Rey," Her name is said as though he considers its place on his lips a luxury. "I want you to know that should you want to, I will have credits sent to this establishment at a later time to pay our debt to it."

_Oh_ , she hadn't even considered that. Rey had no knowledge of what lodging costs but she _can_ guess at what their breakfast had. The number is so high in her head that she feels her throat tighten. "Yes." This was such a small village, if Ben hadn't offered, Rey wouldn't have even thought to ask. She adds "Thank you, Ben."

His eyes remain soft and caring, nodding once in confirmation before continuing, "I," He hesitates, "I am unable to access my personal funds from the First Order without them being informed of my location, however, given the chaos that the faction currently faces, there should be an opportunity where I can transfer a sizeable portion into another, untraceable, account."

Rey never liked talking finances, her sole experience was bartering and trading salvage and portions. Still, even with her limited experiences, Rey isn't foolish enough to think the entire galaxy operates like Jakku. 

"Sizeable portion?" She had heard that the cost of living varies from planet to planet. They wouldn't need much for wild space, credits would only matter for buying supplies and when they went to town but maybe Ben would know more about that and know where best they could settle.

He looks solum, almost ashamed when he tells her, "Given restrictions that I can't bypass, I won't be able to transfer anything more than one hundred thousand credits." Reys' mouth falls open and Ben mistakes it for something other than what it is. Quickly defending, "It should last us for a year or so, but I am sorry that it's not more."

"A year or so!" Rey repeats, "Ben, that much money would last a _lifetime_." Her lips remains parted as though she's more to say but Rey finds herself left speechless.

Exactly _how_ did Ben expect them to be living if their expenses were going to be over one hundred thousand credits a year.

_Kriff_ , maybe Rey's understanding of the intergalactic economy was all wrong.

Ben himself seems to be struggling to understand what Rey finds so upsetting. Pushing past his own lack of confidence to lay his hand over hers for reassurance. His face is open and vulnerable as he says, "I won't allow you to live anything less than the life you deserve. I'm willing to overpay one of the locals here for a speeder so that we can travel to the ship port only twelve kilometers from here. There, I won't spend any less than sixty thousand on a ship."

Rey almost wants to pull her hand away from his, almost. "Ben, what _exactly_ is your plan?" The events of yesterday and the personal losses wouldn't matter for long. Soon enough both opposing factions would be ready for the next step in the war. They would have both the First Order and Resistance hunting them down, he couldn't possibly expect them to spend their days on expensive ships and fancy parties.

  
Now both of Ben's hands encase her own as he makes his proposal. "I would have us on Naboo." He sounds equally hopeful and melancholic, extending excess honesty, and transparent truth. "Despite these last few years, I continue to have access to the Organa vault." Ben swallows, "I have no interest in my right to what remains of Alderaan's fortune, but I still have right to my grandmothers. Amidala had her money sealed away, neither Leia nor Luke ever touched it." His tone changes, as though what he says next should make her happy. "Amidala accumulated over forty-eight million credits of personal wealth in her short time."

Rey only feels sickened by the amount he states.

Twenty credits at any point in her life could have saved her. If by some gift from the stars, had Rey twenty credits to her name, she could have bought food and medicine for herself. Stockpiled enough so she wouldn't have had to go days without eating, so she wouldn't have to pour water over her injuries and pray that she wouldn't get an infection.

The amount of money that has been hoarded by his family, the millions of credits he believes solely belongs to two individuals when it could change the lives of so many -

"There would be a disadvantage there as well." Ben continues, "While it is my desire for us to remain on Naboo, I can't say that the current queen of Naboo wouldn't leak information about our location and wealth to both the First Order and the Resistance. We wouldn't be able to stay, we would have to relocate to Mustafar once the credits have transferred." He waits a moment, then adds, "Rey, this money is just as much yours as it is mine."

Rey doesn't say anything. 

How can she?

Only yesterday, she had held him as he begged her to tell him what to do. Ben had been so lost and looking for guidance, he wore his bleeding heart on his sleeve and Rey thought that the power imbalance between them had been corrected.

That they were in this together, that her opinion and course for their future was just as valued as his. 

But given what Ben expects to come next, Rey can't even begin to understand why he had even bothered pretending that what she wanted mattered.

A small cottage where they could live off the land and spend their days in quiet peace.

How more foolish could she be.

Ben is not blind to the negative energy building in the bond, her bitterness seeping into his skin as without thinking, his deep voice growls "I would suggest you're family, but with your mother -"

By some grace of the light, Ben is able to stop himself before any more cruelty can pass his lips. They've made so many strides already, there are endless things that need to be addressed.

Fighting him isn't what she wants, allowing him to decide everything for their future isn't either.

With a calm voice that doesn't really sound like her, Rey says. "There isn't much time, and we should leave soon. We'll pay our debt to this tavern first, then," She swallows, "Once we acquire a ship and supplies, I would like to share what I want, for our future, and Ben, I need you to listen to what I say then."

Ben nods, "Of course." He says, squeezing her hand. Rey can feel in the bond that there is more he wants to say, promises of _anything you want_ and _I would give you the galaxy if only you would ask_ amoung other claims he couldn't keep.

But she knows he will listen to anything she will say. Even if he might, inevitably, reject or dismiss her hopes.

Olive brown eyes flicker from her gaze down to her lips. There is only a moment of hesitation before Ben decides to lean across the table and press a gentle kiss against her.

It's loving and kind,

And ends the conversation.


	13. Chapter 13

The forests of Takodana were thick and rich with ancient pine trees and whispers of histories. Yesterday's rainfall that they had both missed still held an impression on the surroundings. Dirt clung to their soles and water droplets fell from above. The Morning fog continued to linger even as the hours and miles past behind them.

She and Ben walked in silence, an issue that would have been comforting had it not been for the long walk they currently trekked.

They had looked for a speeder, but there had only been one in the entire village. Small, rundown, and only one seat. Both remember the flight to Crait and Takodana. This speeder was something that would only cause issues before they arrived at their destination.

Rey didn't mind the journey. She was actually relieved.

A green surrounding and breathtaking oak trees provided her the opportunity to clear her head further. Rey felt that she actually had a moment to appreciate the view.

And the issue with Ben, the money he felt they were entitled to, and him attempting to lead them by his will alone - Well, the last thing he had said to her was that he was willing to listen to what she wanted.

When she steals glances at his profile, his expression is more relaxed than neutral. Plush lips lightly parted. Even a look into the bond tells her that Ben is content. Underneath that is a tension that needs to be worked out, but whatever that problem is, it's outmatched by something that might be happiness.

Or something close enough.

Ben catches her staring, olive brown eyes that reflect gold in the sunlight turn to watch her. He gifts her with a light, dimpled smile that makes breathing more difficult for a moment. Tenderly, with the next few steps, Ben reaches out to brush his fingers on the back of her hand.

It's an invitation, one so small and delicate that Rey wants to snort. She quickly turns and laces their fingers together, going as far as to squeeze his hand hard enough to say _You don't need to ask permission to hold my hand._

It's nice, holding his hand.

The touch of his skin makes the bond feel warmer, safer. Like a blanket protecting them from any and all troubles and harm. Easing Rey's own worries and doubts.

The silence that continues to linger is still comfortable, there isn't any _need_ to talk, especially when it might lead to another fight, but Rey has faith in the question she asks.

"Who is Amidala?" She wasn't even sure if she had heard the name in passing, the name itself gave the impression of importance that only the more seasoned and political person might know.

Ben isn't upset by the question. He hums at first, strolling peacefully alongside her, the hand that isn't holding hers stretches to lift a low hanging branch away from her. "Padme Amidala." He tells her. "Former Queen of Naboo, former Senator. She was my material, biological, grandmother." 

The wife of Darth Vader, kriff, Rey can't even recall the Sith Lords' true name. Rey wants to ask him to share the story of how a regal Queen fell in love with a man who would be the evilest creature in the galaxy.

But Rey doesn't want to talk about Ben's grandfather and the legacy he had tried and failed to follow.

What she says next isn't ideal, but it's better than asking about Darth Vader. "Luke and Leia were adopted by separate families." She whispers this like its some grand revelation and not a mundane fact about his family.

Ben's tone is grimmer, bitterness steadily building the longer he went on, "Skywalker was sent away to Anakin's homeworld and my mother was crowned Princess of Alderaan. Not exactly an adoption of equal fortune but it was my grandmother's dying wish. Amidala passed in childbirth, perhaps had she lived my life would have been different, I wouldn't have had to raise myself."

Rey's fingers flex against the back of his hand, her voice tight and clipped. "You had Han and Leia." Ben squeezes her hand hard enough to crack one of her knuckles.

"My parents left me alone, _just_ as yours -"

"There's a difference, stop telling me that there isn't."

He _had_ someone there. Rey knew he had suffered, but at least he hadn't been alone. Had he broken his arm or was sick someone would have done something. Their trauma wasn't a competition but he could at least _acknowldege_ that he had something good -

Their walking pace speeds up, pine needles scratch her cheek when her footing slips. Ben tugs too hard on her to keep her upright and Rey digs her nails into his skin in retaliation.

They had to stop this from escalating any further, but they both refused to. "Why do you think that the cave of mirrors showed you only your reflection. Rey, your parents, while they may share your blood, they _aren't_ your parents," Ben says, "Besides, after all this time they're both likely -"

"Ben."

Her voice is tight, aggressive, pained, a _warning_.

There's a twitch under his eye, Rey can hear the grind of his teeth as he works his jaw. The bond bubbles with what's to come but,

His lip quivers until something softens. In a display of control, Ben swallows his words. His grip on her hand lessens but he does not let go. Several heartbeats pass before Ben takes a deep breath. 

His words are quiet, but sincere. "I apologize for my...words and aggression. You, don't deserve that and this is, not what I want to, _define_ our relationship."

Ben stops there. There was more that should be said, more that was needed to his apology; but the man he was only days ago wouldn't have been able to accomplish _half_ of what the man before her has in the last twelve hours. 

He still apologized, he was still trying.

Finally, they stop walking. Surrounded by the pine trees and whispers of a planets folklore that neither of them could recite. Ben turns to face her, taking a step forward to close the little distance between them. His nose and cheeks are tinted red from the cold. Despite what had just occurred, Rey wants to reach out and hold onto him. Give him warmth.

In the end, Ben is the one to close the distance. His hand slipping from hers as he cups her face. Signing another apology with a light kiss on her lips. 

When their lips part, he rests his forehead against hers.

"Rey, I swear to every star in the galaxy, _our_ galaxy -" He's quiet, searching for the right confession. "I'm going to get us to Mustafar, there's a palace waiting for us. We will be safe from anyone who could hurt us, we'll be alone but _together_."

He pauses, as though he knows that what he promises is too much.

Ben kisses her once again. His lips linger and move against Rey's long enough to have her pressing back into it. When Ben's hands begin to roam around her, locking her in place, Rey follows in suit.

She likes kissing him, just as much as she likes him apologizing. Their lips break with a wet sound that makes the red tint in Ben's face burn brighter. Rey chases after him, dotting spare pecks on his freckles and dimple.

Ben only continues when her pursuit has subsided. Rey still has no desire to live her life on a planet she's never heard of, but his voice light and promising, Rey might give Mustafar a chance. "Our fathers are gone," Ben says, "Our mothers will move on. We won't have to be haunted by them any longer."

_Our mothers will move on._

Something flashes from Ben's side of the bond, a panic that tells Rey he has revealed something he hadn't meant to.

_Your parents are probably dead in a paupers grave._

Horror clings to Ben's expression in the same way it must cling to Rey. She doesn't step out of his embrace and she can not look away.

_You never looked for your mother?_

She's being sucked back into something Rey thought had died in the throne room along with Snoke. She had changed her hair, her clothing, her loyalty in starting a new path but if the one she had wanted was still there. The longing she had carried with her that was the catalyst of her and Ben's allegiance -

_Probably dead._

"Our fathers are gone but our mothers will move on?" Rey repeats in question.

_Probably._

Ben's face is cold and flush, the red tint burning into purple. Rey says his name, though she can't hear her own voice. Their bond screams out the answer to every unspoken question she has. The truth floods Rey to the point where she need not speak at all but,

She wants to hear him say it. To vocalize what he has been hiding. Ben takes a breath, his olive brown eyes begging for forgiveness as he searches for a way to add an apology with the truth.

"Rey," Pauses, then says "When our hands touched, I saw my own vision of the future and something else. I saw your parents. I-I know your father is dead. I'm _sorry_. You- when his ship was leaving -"

Ben stops, Rey can't focus on what he's saying. She sees flashes of his vision, glimpses of what he's trying to tell her. Something wet drips down her cheek that mirrors in Ben's own tears.

Rey's fingers dig into the fabric of Ben's shirt. She doesn't recognize her own voice. "Did you see my mother?"

"I did."

There are flashes of her in the bond. The woman that Ben had seen, a woman that Rey might have recognized if her memory had not been faded by time. "Is she alive?" Rey asks. Ben doesn't answer, 

He doesn't need to. 


	14. Chapter 14

Claw like nails coated in poisoned truth drag across Rey's flesh.

Both of them had been pushing for greater control over a situation they put themselves into. Something that they cultivated and neglected, fighting for the slightest percent advantage that would crown them the unspoken leader.

From requests of Takondana and repaid debts to mountains of credits and a retirement on Mustafar. It didn't matter what they wanted, even their communication was strained to the point of passive aggressive comments and reluctance. Apologies that required more words and not saying what needed to be said.

In the throne room, they had decided to lace their fingers together just as their souls were bound. Racing off into exile with someone they continued to shield and distrust.

And this secret, this seed of hope that Ben has kept from her. Rey can not even bring herself to call the act a betrayal. The bond burns with his remorse and the reasons of _why_ he had chosen to leave well enough alone.

Ben knows her so well, from the moment he understood that there was even the _slightest_ possibility that her mother was alive - His olive brown eyes are full of regret and worry, the path that leads their destiny overgrows to the point of being untraversable. Ben runs his thumb in soft circles, he doesn't protest what comes next.

Rey seises every ounce of control in their turbulent relationship. Tightening her hold on Ben as she guides them forward.

✨✨✨

Ben calls her name a few times, a quiet plea that quickly reaches its crescendo in desperation. The bond vibrates with his need for her acknowledgment. Bits and pieces of an apology that is echoed by a deep voice rife with truth and fear. The sounds drown Rey along with the choir of her beating heart. 

The entire galaxy screams at her and Rey can not distinguish a single word.

✨✨✨

Still, despite the hurt of his secret, the fear of the unknown, and the pain in her bones: Rey never lets go of Ben's hand.

He squeezes his hold, Rey can feel the scars on his wrist and palm. Ben treats the touch of her flesh like a lifeline that could slip through his fingers. She wants to tell him that she is solid and real but the words never leave her.

Ben, however, shows no struggle to vocalize his concerns. "Rey, we don't know what's waiting on the other side of this answer."

  
This wasn't something that could be left unanswered. Only days ago on this very planet had Rey been told that whoever she was waiting for on Jakku was never coming back for her. She had no family, that's the last point that Kylo Ren had made before _this._

She was no one. A poor little girl from Jakku who had to sign her name as Niima after the outpost she lived by. _She had no family_ , that was her story. These epic events lead her to accept these truths and her story can not be changed to grant her what she had always wanted.

If her mother was alive, then her mother had chosen not to come back for her. 

Rey had to know why, she was owed that much. "I'm done waiting."

✨✨✨

When Ben's fingers eventually do slip away from her own, it is not without reason.

Hours have passed them by and the sun has begun a curved descent down though the sky has yet to turn dark. Only the clouds on the horizon suggest the coming night, another day almost gone by. There were no more scratches to mark on the inside shell of an AT-AT Walker, this was another day spent with Ben by her side.

That still meant something to Rey. Maybe they'll eventually get to the point of showing the other uninterrupted affection that isn't shadowed by anger or sorrow. Bestowing kisses of thanks, a celebration of having finally found each other. Rey wanted them to get to that point, they had been so close. Before -

Rey doesn't pay attention to the ship he buys, Ben doesn't seem to mind. Given the circumstance they're under, it wasn't like they had the luxury of shopping around for the best deal.

Ben only drops her hand to sign paperwork and transfer credits, his olive brown eyes flicker to her repeatedly. He's still worried, they've hardly spoken. There are unspilled tears in his eyes and - her heart is warmed and constricted by the sight. The feeling of someone caring for you when you aren't used to being cared for was - well, it Rey wasn't sure she would ever be used to it.

She suspects that Ben isn't used to it either, that was yet another thing they would have to work on with each other.

Rey's fingers itch to race off into space but she truly doesn't know which one in the lot now belongs to them. Rey doesn't even know how much has been spent. She waits for him to finish with the saleswoman.

He no longer attempts to vocalize his apology, but the bond still pulses with the rhythm and words to one.

✨✨✨

Together, they find themselves inside a Corellian VCX-100 light freighter named by the one and only previous owner: The Sun.

Complimentary portions and a sparse gift of fresh fruit are bundled on top of the kitchenette counter surrounded by crimson bows and thank you cards. Though Rey had never had the means to purchase a ship of her own she wasn't a stranger to the concept. There was never this much fanfare for the transaction on Jakku. The saleswoman must have made a nice commission.

Rey reaches for a light red colored ball. The shell of the fruit is hard, the inside rattles slightly when she shakes it. Rey can't even name it or half the other fruit on the table.

Ben stands just behind her, his shadow embracing hers as he studies her expression. Rey isn't sure what he sees, but Ben says, "This is _our_ ship."

And, his words are too kind. Too generous.

A calm ease flows through her veins all the while her lungs refuse to draw oxygen. Choking on affection seasoned with sorrow. Rey's almost dizzy with the whirlwind of emotions that rage her. Always going from one extreme to the other.

But maybe she's allowed to make mistakes, just as Ben is. The two of them were always too emotional for their own good.

She reaches for him and Rey lets out a light breath. Rey lets her hand linger on Ben's bicep for a moment, hoping desperately that he understands the cause for the tears that keep slipping from her tired eyes.

"Thank you," Rey says first. "And I'm-" Her words stop there, her apology never passing her lips.

✨✨✨

Ben knows exactly what Rey wants. She imagines that the bond has been drowning him in her desires and wants, but that speculation and half knowledge aren't enough. Keeping aggression and accusation out of her voice, Rey tells Ben that they are going to Jakku.

But she isn't so selfish that she would deny either of them food or rest. Once her orders are done, Ben simply nods his head, waiting a moment before pressing a kiss onto her forehead. Rey leans into his touch. 

Together they slip into the cockpit and rev up their ship for the first time. To Rey's surprise - and somewhat disappointment - the engine silently soothes to life. She has to almost strain her ears to hear the hum.

It was nothing like the epic roar and rattle of the falcon, how was Ben supposed to fall asleep here?

Ben hears her distress, "It's alright," He reassures. "There are air ducts and radiators, other forms of white noise. I'll be fine." 

"Will you?"

She knows from the bond that he wasn't lying, but at this point, she and Ben deserved more than fine.

He guides The Sun towards one of Takondanas' farthest moons. "I'll be fine." His voice is more sincere now, touched, soft.

✨✨✨

"I am sorry." Ben's cut up the fruit so that they could share. It's fascinating, how small everything looks in his hands. His fingers are so big. The juice of various fruits sticks to her fingers. Her tongue tingles with flavors she had never encountered before.

_I forgive you_ is what should be said but that is something she cannot say, so what leaves her when she opens her mouth is "I'm sorry as well." 

Neither of them elaborates on their apologies and neither forgives the other.

✨✨✨

Ben watches her eat methodically. Even going as far as to get her more food, placing tomato slices on top of portion bread. He continues doing this, and it's strange but, the more Rey eats, the better they both seem to feel.

✨✨✨

Twilight arrives when they punch in the co ordinance to Jakku. Only then does Rey attempt an interrogation veiled as a conversation.

"What does she look like?"

She had caught flashes of her mother in the bond, so like the woman in her memories. Details faded by time and romanticized. Rey knows what her mother looks like, but she needs someone else to acknowledge it.

And Ben is the only person she knows who has seen her, even if it were only a vision.

"Her hair was blonde and she didn't have your freckles." He drawls in a breath through his nose. "You have the same lips and eye color. That, _impossible_ shade of hazel. Though her eyes are larger, her eyebrows seemed thicker. Sharp cheekbones, her hair was...in three buns just like you would wear yours."

"What was her name?" She tries to be strong but her voice gives her away. 

Ben shakes his head. "I don't know, the vision showed me that she had a debt under the surname Nima, but -"

Rey cuts him off, "Yes - Niima outpost. Everyone there without a family name was assigned Niima including me, but -"

If her parents had also been issued the outposts name then, how long had her family been there? Where they like her, abandoned and forgotten, or was Jakku her ancestral home, going back generation after generation of unfortunate survivors.

Of all the humans on Jakku, all the ones that watched her grow from afar. What if one, even a single individual, recognized her. What if they shared her blood, watched her suffer, and chose not to get involved simply to avoid taking on a burden. 

Rey was no stranger to these fears and paranoia, but they were so much more now that she had even the slightest hint of truth by her.

It was so much easier when she had been kept in the dark.

Ben feels her torment, Rey can't imagine the havoc she's wrecking on the bond. He tentatively reaches for her, gently placing a large hand over hers. She had been gripping the copilots' seat with such force that her knuckles have turned white.

His touch is soothing but in an unexpected way. Angry, _mournful_ tears slip past her defense. Rey swallows, "Why did she -"

It's quiet, her question unfinished. 

But then, even without the aid of the bond, Ben had always had a way of seeing through her, "You know the truth, Rey."

"No, I _don't._ "

She says this yet there are tears running down her cheeks. His hold on her hand tightens as he cruelly waits for her to admit something Rey couldn't acknowledge without destroying herself.

It was so much easier when the only memory she had of her parents was of them holding her and laughing.

There were short living images that she buried. Glimpses of stumbling giants and an angry father. A resting mother who would continue her slumber despite Rey's begging. The smell, the _filth,_ all of lingered as well.

Ben repeats her name, she's so unsure of what he's trying to ask of her.

Whatever was to come, it dies on his lips once Jakku comes into view. The Sun smooths out of hyperspace with ease, blue lines fading into stars. A giant of golden sand that has been dulled by sorrow and years of torment, yet the sight of her home planet horrifically closes her throat and constricts her heart.

Oh how tragic, to feel nostalgic for such a horrible place.

Ben keeps his hand on hers as they descend towards Jakku, sailing miles above the atmosphere in the last remains of zero gravity. Niima outpost is on the other side of twilight, the golden planet below them fades to a washed out blue.

There are no moons to light their way, no promise of anything greater than life below the stars. Jakku was a lifeless planet long before the end of the empire which destroyed the climate.

Sunrise won't reach her home on Niima outpost for some hours, Rey knows from personal experience that at this time of night Plutt was full of liquor and in a deep sleep that not even the force could rouse him from. Only the promise of credits and scrap gave him a reason to get out of bed.

No matter how much he drank, Plutt was always at his shop before the morning turning into the afternoon.

But the sun of Jakku would never greet Plutt again. She was no longer afraid of him. The last she had seen of that vile man was Chewie ripping his arm off after Rey had pulled a blaster on him. 

And she was so much more powerful now, so much stronger. Rey had been so used to being a starving feral child that she couldn't even acknowledge how far she has come in such a short time.

She would kill Plutt if it meant getting to her mother, 

She would.

She _would -_

Ben runs his thumb over the back of her hand. When Rey looks into his olive brown eyes she finds them full of sorrow. He had taken all the sadness that had burdened her and now carries it with him. Just as Rey had taken all of their combined rage.

Rey sees her own reflection in the water that has yet to spill from him and she understands the layers of his panic.

Their ship is _vibrating_ with her force energy.

There is a cool touch that Ben extends through the bond, an ease quiet suggestion. _Wait until daylight, please._ Despite his plea and the calm embrace of the bond, a spike pricks through Rey's end. A new wave of outrage that _he_ of all people is telling her to keep her anger in check.

In her anger, the hand that he holds twitches, ready to take her lightsaber in palm and _smash_ the dashboard into pieces. Not stopping until all the metal in the ship was warped and bright _burning_ red -

"Rey, you are _entitled_ to your rage. I would never take that away from you." Ben doesn't allow her to remove her hand. "Plutt will die." Pauses, then says, "I only ask that you wait until daylight."

How was she supposed to wait until daylight when she _never_ wanted to see Jakkus sun again.

But,

Kriff,

Rey might actually give anything to see the sunrise over the sand dunes one last time.

With a steady hand, she flies them to her old home. Hidden away inside the skeleton of an Imperial AT-AT Walker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so the next chapter will be long and will have smut


	15. Chapter 15

The shell of her AT-AT Walker was seldom visible under the scattered starlight, the cold metallic skeleton perfectly blended into the dark sea of the desert. Ben couldn't even distinguish the outline of it until Rey had landed their ship beside it.

Dim lighting that was only blinding in the abyss helped guide them inside. Small cracks of soft beams that signified a home. The sole light not belonging to the stars or the inside was that of the control panel. A blinking red dot that told Rey her home hadn't been invaded, however, that was a promise she couldn't afford to hope for.

The panel required her handprint for entrance, but the device was so old and outdated that in reality Rey's left finger and thumb were all that could be scanned. There was a point in time that her entire hand would suffice, but as she aged and was continually forced to keep updating new scans for every growth spurt and new scar, well, it couldn't keep up.

A green dot flashes moments later, a clicking sound joining it as her home unlocks for her. Rey's throat is tight as she guides herself and Ben in, and - 

The outside hadn't changed, and to her surprise, neither had the inside. It hadn't been stripped even though she had been gone for days, everything preserved in a weeklong time capsule. 

How long would it have stayed like this? How long would her home have waited for her?

Not one scavenger or thief had attempted to break in, nothing was salvaged or stolen, and despite her previous, _constant_ state of desperation, Rey did possess treasures that anyone on Jakku would take for their own advantage.

The most luxurious of her possessions being a Rebellion/Imperial era computer that had been built into the wall of the AT-AT Walker. Something that remained due to the unremarkable fact that Rey had never figured out how to remove it. Not that she wanted to sell it, that computer had taught Rey so many skills, it had given her the gift of language. Only in her most daunting hours did Rey think about exchanging the device for portions.

Yet, after eleven years, the computer remained. There were easier things that could have been stolen. Small trinkets that she had kept for herself, none of which could be sold or exchanged but they held a separate kind of value.

Objects and scrap that amounted to even the most minuscule value remained as well. Rey hadn't many, but when she could afford to store away something for insurance Rey didn't hesitate. Plutt would occasionally have periods of fits where he would refuse to exchange or sell portions, forcing Rey and the other scavengers to seek out other merchants that would somehow cheat them more than Plutt.

All which Rey held too close to her heart had stayed, scraps of paper with her drawings and self-portraits. The flower she had discovered growing in a barren land and rescued yet lived, though the pink petals looked paler than they should. She should water the flora before they leave.

Her washed out hammock still swayed in ease back and forth, hidden away on the far wall with makeshift pillows and blankets. Her name, Dosmit Ræh, was still sat vigil on her perch, watching over Rey's little home in her absence. Everything was the same, except Rey. She was the solitary change.

It's strange, feeling so at home yet so out of place. 

There were scratches missing on the wall, days spent off planet. The last mark she had made was the morning after Beebeeate made her acquaintance. The spherical droid circling around her home and entertaining her with endless questions.

Back then Rey had offered a smile, answering what she could and glossing over the questions that hurt. There was no way she could have known that was the last time she would ever count her days on Jakku.

Not even now, standing in the very same spot would Rey crave a tally. She was no longer a prisoner to this planet, and she was no longer alone.

With the promise of her future with Ben and the possibility of meeting her mother; A home that either took her and her love on a nomadic journey or a palace overlooking lava; a vision of a family yet to come; the potential of being held by her mother again -

Rey had everything she had ever wanted and more within her grasp. Even this morning, being held in Ben's arms as his lips worked over hers, as his hand roamed her body and cupped her breast.

Forever ago, when Rey had made the slow change of men viewing her as a child to viewing her as something to be desired - She had still been too young. Rey had been so repulsed and terrified by the change in attitude from the men around Niima outpost that Rey had sworn off any relationship prospects.

Easier to be alone and appear as a walking skeleton dressed in rags rather than be something others might seek out.

How things have changed, if only she had known back then that they were sprinting towards their future, that after a lifetime of loneliness, she would give away her heart to a boy she had only just met, and after everything the two of them had been through.

Not that Rey has any doubts about loving the boy who shared a soul with her, but she imagines that her thirteen year old self might have some strong words against their union.

Somewhere behind her, Ben was quiet, walking through her home with hunched shoulders. He did everything he could to appear calm but there were solid pulses of fury in the bond which he tried to suppress. For her sake or his, Rey couldn't tell.

When she looks back to observe his face, she finds dark eyes and plush lips drawn tight in a line.

Ben approaches when he catches her gaze, swallowing any rage that could show in his voice. "How-" Ben's nostrils flair when he sucks in air, trying again. "How did you find this place?" _How long did you stay here?_ Was the question their bond screamed out into the silence. _How long did you suffer?_

Rey opens her mouth to say _Your vision didn't tell you?_ but she thankfully stops herself in time. Rey had witnessed flashes of moments in Ben's life and childhood, enough for her to draw conclusions and some that gave her more questions, but Rey hadn't witnessed everything. Only a vague understanding, Ben's vision likely provided him with something similar.

Rey's eyes fall away from his, searching her old home for something to hold her attention while she shared herself with him.

Rey starts, "It was so long ago, some of the older scavengers had tried arguing with Plutt over prices and in retaliation, Plutt closed shop for a week. I made my living by fixing up droids and ships for him so, him shutting everything down -" She takes a moment to resist old wounds, Ben waits for her to continue.

"I hadn't left Niima Outpost by myself before, I was so desperate that I convinced myself that it couldn't be hard but - I took a stupid path, walking up monstrous sand dunes that everyone avoided, all my energy was gone in a matter of an hour and eventually, I couldn't even bear to walk anymore."

One of her shoes had been lost, her hands and feet were covered in blisters. Rey had been so dehydrated that she couldn't even scream for help. She knows that she should have died, but she hadn't.

"When I collapsed," Rey swallows, "I disrupted the sand and unearthed a skeleton. It was some horrific fortune, a glimpse of my future, and I - I don't know where the strength came from but I started running. I got up on my burnt feet, started running and I didn't stop until I found shelter, until I found this."

A cold ancient structure so inconvenient to get to that no one else had discovered it. She had found a home and decades old rations. Rey had been able to eat and rest and, survive. This AT-AT Walker had always been a monument to her preservation and strength. Safety and shelter in an endless desert that wanted her dead.

Reliving the story doesn't bring her the sorrow it used to, nor does it further fan the flames of her rage. Rey's more numb now, the world has gone from red to gray.

Ben moves to stand closer behind her, his hand pressed against her lower back, long fingers splaying over ruffled fabric. "How old were you?" He asks.

"Eight."

She hears the sharp breath he draws. Rey isn't sure what she expects to find but when she turns to face him, Ben's olive brown eyes are red rimmed and watered.

The sight breaks her heart. "You shouldn't have-" Ben begins, "You didn't deserve the life Jakku gave you." 

Rey has only ever received sympathy from Ben, never in her life had she encountered someone so willing to cry for her, to carry her pain with her. It's still a strange concept, and Rey struggles to think of the best way to respond.

"My life on Jakku led me to you." Ben's jaw falls slack, a lone tear slips, falling down the path of his scar.

His eyes search her face, he lightly prods the bond for her meaning. "You would endure all this again, if it brought you to me?" He sounds close to broken, tears continue to pour from Ben.

It's not the sort of question that can be truly answered. "I think so," Rey whispers. How else would the galaxy have brought them together. How would they have found the other if they had been anyone different.

She and Ben linger in the silence, Rey uses this moment to close the short distance between their bodies. Lightly pressing against him, reveling in the immediate comfort it brings. There is so much warmth radiating off him.

In a carousel of flashing moments, Rey remembers every kiss that had passed between them. The elevator, the throne room, Crait, and Takondana. The taste of his lips had been a euphoric, electric pulse. A touch, a luxury that possessed her body and soul. 

And just as her fingers tingled in the afterglow of his touch, so did her lips burn with the memory of his kiss. 

Ever since the elevator.

Her intentions are anything but delicate when Rey raises her hand to his chest. Fragile fingers covered in callouses brushing over the rough fabric that hides his body from her. Racing thoughts have Rey wondering about _exactly_ how many layers separate them, but she finds herself questionable frustrated with the logical answers. 

Why does it bother her so? Rey has seen him shirtless, so why - Her hands twist in the material of his vest, her desperation bleeds into him and they are each lost in the coming storm.

Ben is, everywhere. On her skin, inside her mind, yet Rey craves more. _Hold me until daylight then_ The unspoken words twist around her neck, constricting and choking her. _Kiss me until the sun spills onto our skin._ Not even the bond can hear Rey's begging.

Perhaps it's to her benefit that Rey can not beg, there is too much electricity in her veins for the small pleasures she desires. Their relationship is too young, the air too tense. It might break them both if this relationship wasn't everything they dreamed it to be but,

If they kept dreaming, then it never would be.

His fingers trace along her jawline, tilting her chin upwards as he moves to place a long, tender kiss upon her. A spark that will burn them both to ash.

His lips remain, working against hers in such desperate fashion that a whimper is robbed from one of them. Harder and harder they move, lips parting, hot breath tangling. His tongue pushes inside her mouth, massaging over hers. Tasting of deep space and promises yet to come.

Ben moves his other hand to her waist, encouraging her to arch into him, and - Rey does this, there is _power_ in the myriad ways they are connected. Endless and endless and _endless_.

Rey pushes into him until her ribs ache, even then she does not pull away and Ben does not let her go. His blazing kiss only leaves her kiss to wander her face, dotting over her nose and the scar on her cheek. Wet, hot, and erotic.

As his lips find their way to her neck Ben whispers. "Rey," pauses, then says, "Let me make it better," His tongue darts out to lap at her skin, "Please, I swear I can make it better."

His breath was hot against her flesh, the touch of it coiled in her core, it had Rey squirming in his hold. She moves to rub her thighs together but - Ben's leg has already pushed between them - 

And Rey does not possess enough shame to keep herself from grinding herself on his large thigh. 

Shooting stars dance across her vision, but the friction isn't enough.

"You don't have to." Her words come out in a rush, breathless and desperate. Rey's body betrays her when she ruts against his thigh again.

The hand that Ben had placed on her waist roams south, ghosting over her tailbone until he's palming her ass. Ben uses this leverage to help Rey's grinding, encouraging the movements, and ensuring better stimulation. 

"I want to." Is all Ben says, with his lips on her collarbone he asks, "Rey, do you want this?"

This is no longer a matter of want when Rey knows that she might very well die without it. Her cunt throbs in time to her plea. "Yes."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, its been a minute.
> 
> I had surprise surgery on election day and i'm on more pain medication that should be allowed so uhhh it had been a rough week with a happy ending. I have two more surgeries, one for mid november and one for early december so thats fun. I know i promised smut this chapter and i'm very sorry that i didn't get to it, i think it would be best for the smut to have it's own chapter and ofc i'll be extending the chapter count again. 
> 
> thank you all so much for reading and i hope you all have a wonderful week!!


	16. Chapter 16

"Are you going to be inside of me?" Her words are so muffled against his kiss that Rey thinks she might have to repeat the question.

But Ben is quick to respond, "No, that can still wait," He lightly bites her lip, "I want that to be special besides, there are other ways I can make you feel good." Rey is pressed to close against him, his body so solid and clear, she can't help but grind herself against him.

When she does so, Rey notices the growing erection trapped in his trousers, her breath catches in her throat, "What about you?" She asks.

"Don't worry about me."

Everything moves in such quick succession. Ben undresses her as though it were the only thing he was ever meant to do. Layer after layer disregarded from Rey, tossed onto sand covered metal, until she was completely bare before him. 

Rey herself only managed to shread Ben of his tunic before he was urging her to lay down on her back, propping her legs over his shoulders and spreading messy kisses on her stomach.

His tongue is flat, moving on Rey's cunt in broad strokes. Despite their shared inexperience, Ben is emboldened enough to take her labia between his lips. Lathering her sensitive lips with his spit, sucking on them until they slide from his mouth with a satisfying, wet, pop.

Rolling, flicking motions of his tongue follow. The tip of it grazes ontop her entrance accidentally, Rey bucks her hips into his face, the horrible, desperate sounds she makes only just muffled into the crook of her elbow and -

By the _stars,_

Rey can actually feel Ben smiling into her cunt.

The teasing of his tongue becomes more deliberate then, dipping between her folds, lapping and suggesting penetration but holding back. Rey's inner walls clench around nothing, her cunt crying out for something they had both decided to wait on.

Rey might change her mind, surly his tongue is different enough from his cock to justify it pushing inside her, or his fingers. Ben's fingers are long and thick enough that three of them inside her might be close enough to the feeling of his cock. Could Rey take three of his fingers inside of her? Maybe she should start with one - no _two._ If she was ever going to be on the receiving end of his cock then Rey would -

She has to stop thinking about his cock. She'll go mad if she doesn't and Rey is already delirious enough at the small burning pleasure Ben is coaxing from her at this moment.

Ben swipes his nose up the length of her slit, nuzzling circles around her clit. He pushes himself forward, the pressure is glorious, tight, and _taunt_ , Rey wonders if he can feel the pulsing of her clit against his nose.

Rey can no longer hold her moans muffled inside the crook of her arm. Greedy hands reach for Ben in desperate lust, tangling in his dark hair which is now her sole lifeline. Rey's eyes roll back into her head, her spine arched off the floor, and raging _wanton_ moan after moan sings from her parted lips.

When Ben turns the presence of his attention, flowing along her cunt like a steady river, then Rey is truly lost. Ben places a chaste kiss above her clit, his breath hovers over the tight bud, heating it with his breath. Rey can feel the ghost touch of his lips, slick and coated in her arousal.

Her breathing stops, lungs refusing to drawl oxygen until his lips move against her, and Ben, in all of his lingering cruelty, watches her squirm underneath him.

There is pleasure in the anticipation, a tingling sensation that floods her spinal cord, and a heat that rests heavily on her face, stomach, and cunt. It's a euphoric warmth that Rey hadn't known could be so desirable. Far from the type of heat that could only symbolize burning rage and the stench of death, no, this heat was loving and protecting, a symbol of harmony between the selfish and selfless. A moment she could live in until every last star in the galaxy had burned out.

Every woman who had ever encountered a satisfying sexual experience must have had a similar epiphany, but this was the conclusion Rey had come to, and she was proud of it.

Rey had never been a religious woman. She had heard many tales of varying beliefs and none could have held her attention in fear of hope but -

Ben taking her clit between his plush lips was a holy sanctuary. A divine flame that flourishes and burns every vile drop of self-loathing or self-doubt from her veins. 

He grasps at her hips with a cathartic sense of clarity. Ben helps her with the sway of them, grinding deeper and harder into his hot greedy mouth. He worships her hips, her cunt, as though it were his salvation.

Rey can feel herself dripping with arousal. The moisture slips down her thighs, and there is a phantom sensation in the bond, an invisible sheen she can feel on her face, on _Bens_ face, and her arousal which coats it. 

Ben continues sucking and massaging her clit with his lips, dipping his tongue out to run quick, rapid circles around the bundle of nerves, her soulmate feasting on her as though she were an aphrodisiac. The touch so world shattering that Rey's voice has become hoarse without her notice.

Her moans are pulled from a raw throat, gasps, and something that sounds akin to screaming. Rey chants his name with repetition, like a pray cried out in between wails of pleasure.

She feels so much, it's always been a fault of Reys. Now, she's coiling in on herself. All of her emotions and physical form compresses together, even the bond seems to be closing in on her. Rey feels all of Ben as well, his entire body, his wicked tongue flicking over her glistening clit, the erection which strains his trousers.

Rey feels all of it, there isn't enough room in her skull. 

There's a delicate throbbing on her temple, and Rey truly feels as though she is about to shatter. Hot tears spill on top of her already scolding face, Everything keeps rising high and high and Rey - She doesn't know what will happen when she reaches the top, what will happen after she falls -

Rey understands now that she is far too fragile for this type of love even as her cunt begs for more, and Ben, in all of her desperation and desire for him, in this blooming love and shared soul, Ben her dyad in the force he -

He pulls away -

"No no no," Her begging is instantaneous, a faraway voice that sounds more desirous than broken. "Ben- Ben please -" Rey is sobbing in her despair. Her clit pulsing at the loss of him, no friction, only air.

Her legs slide off Ben's shoulders as he moves to loom over her, only of his hands finds its way to her face, and Rey, aching in her melancholy, buries herself into his touch.

"Rey -" Fear is tight in Ben's voice, "What happened? What's wrong?" Olive brown eyes wash over her in a cool tender wave, Rey attempts to breathe in a hint of the tranquility he extends but she only sounds out more whining.

There are a few moments that pass before Rey is able to vocalize her needs. A few moments where the only sound is their joined breathing while her composure is gathered in fragments; and during this time, she finds herself drowning in a few conclusions. 

Number one being that Rey was so undeserving of this love. Maybe there was a reason that she was tossed aside, maybe she was just fundamentally unloveable. What right did Rey have to be basking in this pleasure? What had she done in her life that would warrant her being with a man so willing and happy to put her needs before his own?

Ben Solo deserves better. That was her second conclusion, it was something that Rey had discovered days ago but she suddenly finds the statement extended upon. Ben Solo deserves better than _her_. He deserves someone who isn't broken, angry, and terrified.

And there is no way for Rey to communicate this, her mouth opens with words that don't match what she wants to say. She continually starts sentences only to leave them unfinished.

Ben waits for her, with his tender touch and kind patience. His thumb brushed over her cheek and, Rey's eyes fill with tears yet again. Ben was made up of love, it pours from him, the emotion swirls through the bond and wraps around Rey in a tight embrace. 

She catches a glimpse of peace long enough to push away some of her anxieties. Swallowing her breath, Rey tells him "Fine, I'm fine -I just -" Pauses, then says "I just, I need to come. Ben, I - I really need to come and I know I don't deserve to, but, Ben please, I really need to come."

"Shall we stop?" 

"No, Ben - please make me come." Her words are rushed and rife with need.

His brows furrow and Rey burns in red hot embarrassment. Ben's olive brown eyes search her face and Rey turns away from their gaze. 

In the bond, there is a light push from Ben's side, requesting insight to her emotions and thoughts and - Rey lets him in. When he slips past her mental wards, it isn't crushing like Rey had thought it would be. She finds that some of the pressure that ailed her has lifted.

A shift ripples through the bond the moment Ben uncovers what upsets her, Rey feels the very moment his confusion ascends to understands and she waits for him to pull away -

" _Cyar'ika_ ," His words halt her heartbeat, with lips still wet with the taste of her, Ben presses a kiss on her cheekbone, repeating the endearment. "Cyar'ika, you don't think you deserve to come?" A shiver takes flight across her skin, Rey can only shake her head for her answer. Ben spreads floaty kisses across her face, whispering in her ear.

A whimper that carried all essence of her lifetime of loneliness slips from Rey. The hot tears that fall from the corners of her eyes are all caught by Ben's attentive lips. 

It's a quiet crusade that he extends onto her.

Soft touches, gentle brushes of fingertips, his eyelashes fluttering against her cheek. Ben takes every effort he can to soothe the panic and anxiety that had been suffocating her. It's slow work, but he places delicate kiss after delicate kiss as though he possesses all the time in the galaxy.

His voice is deep and rough as Jakku Whiskey, spreading an easy, life giving fire across her flesh. "Oh cyar'ika, I don't think there is anyone more deserving to come." Ben's lips have returned to hers, and his breath whispers, "I haven't accomplished it yet, but if you allow it, Rey, I will spend every day of the rest of my life making you come."

His promises and words of endearment seep into her skin. A golden embroidery thread etching them both together.

All of his movements and actions were to show her that his affections were true. That he cared for her, that they were each falling in love with the other.

Minutes pass before her breathing deepens, the weight on her lungs lessens, her skull was no longer claustrophobic. More minutes still until she was ready for them to continue, but there was still waiting yet to linger.

For it was only when Rey was begging for his touch, only when her cunt was glistening and throbbing, only then did Ben ask.

"Cyar'ika, tell me you deserve to come." He asks while licking the swell of her lower lip, "Admit it, Rey."

The answer she gives him is so true that Rey is astonished that she hadn't believed it before. "Yes, make me come, Ben, I deserve to."

His fingertips wander her body, over her collarbone, over the swell of her breasts, tracing her abdomen, lower and lower until he was slicking them up with her arousal. Ben's tongue pushes past her lips, rolling and flicking inside. 

He coats her vulva with her arousal, then glides two wet fingers up her slit and draws short circles around her clit. Even with her eyes closed, to Rey, everything whites out. She locks her arms around Ben's neck, attempting to deepen their kiss while he worked her clit and -

She doesn't last long, she never stood a chance. Rey comes like it was the only thing in the galaxy she was meant to do. Everything coiling inside until it snaps, and her entire body is pulsing in the aftershock vibrations.

Ben holds her through it all, swallowing her moans of pleasure with ever insistent kisses. He whispers praises that only seem to extend her orgasm. They stay in each other's arms, and enter the afterglow together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello, i have my second surgery tomorrow and i really wanted to get this out before then. the next update shouldn't be far off, and i'm taking some pto from work and that should help!!
> 
> thank you all so much for reading and have a wonderful week!!


	17. Chapter 17

She's nestled against Ben's chest, her nose pressed against the crook of his neck. Rey can feel his pulse beating beneath his flesh. Deep and steady, a perfect match to her own, the sync of the rhythm close enough to be a duet.

  
The waves of her first orgasm with Ben have long since passed, though the effects of the afterglow still linger on her heavy limbs and hazy mind. The descent of her peek has allowed her to exist in some world between worlds.

  
Rey is only aware of the pleasant sensations. The rising of Ben's ribs when he drawls breath, the brush exhale of air that weaves through her hair. His skin is so soft under her touch, yes there are edges and grooves, raised scar tissue that never properly faded. Mementos of past torment, some even gifted to him from her.

  
Her thoughts can't stay on such a painful track. Laying against his broad frame brought her a feeling of peace that Rey had never felt before. 

  
If this was only a glimpse into what sex might be like: Rey feared she might become addicted. 

  
Ben rubs soft circles on her exposed back, some inescapable bits of sand presses onto her flesh. They leave ripples and indents that he soothes away with the delicate stroke of his finger. Sand sticks to Ben as well, there is some pressed between their bodies. Like freckles in perfect alignment.

  
Everything about them fits perfectly together. From the way they were nestled into each other's mind, to the way his abnormally large palm fit against her arse. Even his erection seemed to find it's place pressed along her thigh.

  
Don't worry about me. That was what Ben had said, he had wanted their first sexual moment to serve her needs. Rey had been touched by that, emotionally as well as physically. Never in her life had anyone put her before anything else. Putting her arousal before his own. She had never been cared for in this way, even when she began to panic, Ben waited and helped her calm herself. 

  
Cyar'ika.

  
He had called her cyar'ika.

  
Even now, the endearment made Rey blush. Her heart and stomach fluttering at the way she could feel the outline of his cock through his trousers.

  
How much time has passed? Rey wondered. The only true way to tell time was currently behind Rey and she wasn't able to tear herself out of Ben's arms just so she could share the time. She looked to every weak point and exposed vent in her AT-AT Walker, seeking out everything that could answer her question.

  
There were a few to be found, cracks and small blaster holes that kept opening up no matter how many times she repaired them. 

  
The night sky was still black, not even the moons were able to pierce the abyss, but, Rey thought she could make out just a suggestion of dawn beyond the darkness.

It has been maybe a half hour since they curled up into each other's arms, since Ben made her come on his fingers, breathing in her moans. His trousers were still strained and tented with the evidence of his arousal. 

  
An awfully long time to maintain an erection and do nothing about it. Ben hasn't tried grinding against her or even moving to touch himself. Kriff, even Rey was beginning to feel aroused again. She wants to talk about it with him, shouldn't be too awkward considering he knows what she tastes like.

  
Rey's about to ask him if it's painful, having his erection crushed between them when Ben breaks the silence in a surprise.

  
"What are you thinking about?" His question is whispered low and lost into her hair.

  
A light hmm precedes her answer, quite and firm. "You."

  
A satisfied sound leaves Ben at her response. Something between a moan and a laugh. He shifts his head slightly, pressing a kiss onto her forehead. "How did it feel?" Ben's voice vibrates across her skin despite how rich and deep it was.

  
Rey's lips pull back into an immediate smile, her face turning a brighter shade of red. "It was...incredible." Her words come out breathy and so much higher pitched than she normally sounds. The unfamiliar concepts of joy and affection delivering them. "I don't even know how to properly describe it, I - it's the greatest I've ever felt in my life and I -" And I wouldn't mind your face between my legs now Ben, do you mind? That might be asking for too much considering he has yet to get off.

  
Ben doesn't seem to mind her unfinished sentence, he's kissing the freckles across her forehead. "I'll do that every morning and every night for you, cyar'ika, I swear." 

  
That sparks Rey's interest, there's a light pulse in her core that fully awakens at his vow. She rocks her hips softly against him, something she prays is more seductive than a kiddish wiggle. 

  
Rey tilts up her chin, Ben's lips dot kisses on top her eyelids, she waits for him to capture her mouth as she says, "And I, you - I mean." Rey swallows, "I want to make you feel good too." She grinds her hips with more force, Ben's hold on her slight frame tightens.

  
His breath is caught in his throat, a for a moment, just one glorious moment, he is left speechless. His cock twitches, Rey can feel it as she moves against him. She finds the reaction very reassuring.

  
Rey hitches her leg over Ben's hip, using her new leverage to better grind against him. The feel of cunt sliding against his clothed cock was enough to rip a moan straight from his vocal cords. 

  
The hand he had been resting on her bottom squeezed the flesh he held. Fingertips digging into her skin, pulling her more into him. 

  
In a rush, Ben tells her, "I'll be fine - You don't have to." The desperation in his voice betrays his statement. His hips seem to buck against her in defiance of his will or better intentions.

  
"Oh," Is the first thing to leave Rey, a lame response that perfectly captures her confusion. Both his body language and small lilac festering in the bond told her that there was something that wasn't exactly preventing Ben from pursuing what they both desired, but it was giving him reason to hesitate. Rey didn't want to push him with questions or make him uncomfortable. She'll be understanding, like he was with her, "Are you very good at self control?" 

  
Her question is free of judgment, but Ben answers with a breathy laugh that moves through stray locks of her hair. "It was advisable." There is a touch of sadness to his answer, Rey tilts back her head, the angle is odd, but she needs to see Ben's face.

  
His olive brown eyes lock on hers instantly, holding her with their magnetic pull. Ben's pupils are dilated with lust, sorrow rests in the dark circles under his eyes. Rey raises her hand, slow and with purpose.

  
She lays her palm on the side of his face, running her thumb over his cheekbone. Ben's lower lip quivers as he relents, and tells her. "It was a punishable offense, actually. Something that would be mocked and used against you. It's a distraction that strays the mind, even though my thoughts are my own I - " Ben stops himself. "It's silly - foolish."

  
Rey shakes her head at his dismissal. "No - Ben, I understand where this fear is coming from, you aren't being foolish."

  
Rey doesn't know everything that has transpired in Ben's life, though she hopes that one day she will. That he'll trust her and confide in her.

  
For now, she knows enough. She knows that Ben cannot punish himself for the trauma Snoke put him through. His monstrous reach could be felt even beyond death. Ben shouldn't think himself foolish for being affected by it.

  
Still, Ben's lips are drawn in a fine line, his eyes search hers for a moment, then, he closes the distance between them. 

  
Not with a kiss, but by pressing their foreheads together.

  
"I want to be with you," Ben confesses the known truth. "I want to know what it feels like to be inside of you, I want to watch you come from it. I want to make you come as frequently and as often as I can. I want to give you everything you could ever want or desire." Rey stays silent, brushing her thumb over his cheek as Ben continues after a swallow. "I know you don't want to go to Mustafar." Her hands stall there, a touch of cold fear licking at her heels. "I - I don't know how I know, perhaps the bond, but - I know that that isn't something you desire. Same with Naboo."

  
Guilt is beginning to settle in her stomach, Rey's mouth hangs open, internal fear screaming at her to beg him to stay when Ben says, "Rey, after what we finish what we've started here: I want us to make a plan, together. No chasing after my family's legacy or attempting to live in it. I said that I wanted the past to die, and I meant it but - I was still a coward ready to hide in it. I'm sorry."

  
Rey was silent, they both were for awhile. Seconds turned into minutes before Ben concluded with. "I'm not the person I was before I was Kylo Ren. I doubt I will ever be that person again. I'm - I'm a stranger to myself, I'm trying to figure out who I am, and it scares me, but, I know that as long as I'm by your side, I'm on the right path."

  
Any lingering fear or self doubt that held Rey was evaporated. Palpitations captured her beating heart, she felt as though she were breathing for the first time. There was so much that needed said but "Plan a future together?" was what she asked.

  
"Anywhere in the galaxy," Ben promised.

  
The smile Rey wore was wide enough to hurt her cheeks. "I'm afraid I don't know very many planets."

  
"Describe one," He said, "If it's real, that's where our home will be. I'll find it for you, Rey." After a moment, Ben adds, "If there were ever a time for you to be selfish, this is it."

  
She had Ben, Rey had already found her home in the other half of her soul. Rey knows she could smile and tell him this, but Ben had asked her to be selfish, and Rey had spent too many years in this very shelter dreaming of a paradise, a family, to let it die.

  
Her answer has been decided for over a decade: "I want a vibrant green plant with one ocean or at least thousands of lakes. I want snow covered mountains with pine trees, grassy cliffsides that overlook the sea. The forests have to have an endless variety, bushes, flowers, vegetables, everything." Rey presses her lips together, attempting to control her smile but it won't leave. "I want the hills and the scenery in the distance to be covered by a morning and evening fog. The planet has to be cold but not deathly or uncomfortably cold. Seasons. I want a planet with every season possible. The water has to be warm enough to swim in and steady enough for us to boat on. I want the earth to be fertile, and I want both wildlife and civilization, but we don't have to live with the civilized, we only have to be close enough to trade goods when needed."

  
Ben hums thoughtfully, there's a playful poke he passes through the bond as he asks, "Anything else?" It was spoken as a challenge, one he demanded she answer.

  
He wanted more, so that's what Rey gave him. "Yes." Pauses, then says, "I want us to make our own garden and grow all of our food. I want us to protect travelers from hostile preditors. I want us to collect rainwater and replant any trees we chop down. I want us to learn the planet's mythology and to mesmerize all the constellations in the sky." As an afterthought, Rey adds: "And I want you to teach me how to swim and I want a porg."

  
She feels a twitch in his face, more confusion than annoyance when he asks for clarification. "You want the planet to have porgs or you want a porg for yourself?"

  
Rey isn't sure why she tacted on that demand, she had only known the species for a day and a half but, they were the first living airborne creature she had met that weren't skinny vultures. The squawking was a bit irritating, but she had liked it when they gave her attention."A porg for myself." Her answer is firm, determined.

  
Ben's response isn't reluctant, more impassive. "Alright."

  
She moves her fingers from his face to tangle in his hair. "What about you?" Rey asks, "What do you want from our future planet?"

  
Ben's answer holds no hesitation either. "I want a planet with stone beaches. A planet that is only a shadow of its previous glory. A planet with pre-imperial architecture. A planet with neutral ties to the galactic senate. I want the people who live on this planet to be one to mind their business, or at least be aggressive yet unwilling to sell us out." He swallows, "A planet that grows peaches and pomegranates. A planet with edible sea life. A planet with a large, barren, moon and a small moon out in the distance. I want us to visit museums and libraries. I want you to teach me everything about gardening and scavenging. I want to write you poetry, and I want to live on the northern equator of the planet that fits us best."

  
Her heart beats as though it were soaring, vibrating with anticipation. She is filled with idyllic hope for a future that they would craft together. "Does such a planet exist?"

  
"Yes."

  
He knows. The name of such a planet was only one word away, she need only ask.

  
But Rey waits.

  
"Ben," She swallows all of her fear and pride, her shame and nerves. They had already agreed upon forever, it made no sense for them to tiptoe around the concept now. "before you tell me the name of our planet, I want you to know, that should this planet not work for us, you will always be my home, and I will follow you to wherever in the galaxy."

  
Ben moves his head back, Rey blinks her eyes open to look at him. "I know - I'm doing everything I can, even though it scares me, but it still might take me decades to - to become a man worthy of redemption."

  
Her vision is clouded with tears, some spill and drip from her temple. "I have my own trauma to tend, and I want to heal by your side."

  
He shakes his head, eyes sad. "I still haven't been absolved, Rey."

  
She stays quiet, letting the moments pass by when she smooths and pets his wild raven hair. With a deep breath, Rey reminds him of their chosen truth.

  
"We left the narrative Ben, what do you need to be absolved for?" 

  
In the short amount of time that Rey had spent in the grand space opera, she came to the unfair conclusion that the galaxy was unforgiving. 

  
It didn't matter that Anakin Skywalker died saving his son. he would forever be known as Darth Vader. 

  
It didn't matter that Luke Skywalker attempted to kill his nephew, he would always be deemed a hero. 

  
It wouldn't matter if Ben Solo gave his life, in either death or enteral servitude for the greater good. His redemption would never come so long as he sought it from those unwilling to give it to him.

  
Ben Solo and Rey had walked away, there wasn't any reason for them to keep abiding by a justice system that would never have forgiven them anyway.

  
"Ben," She whispers, "What's the name of our planet?"

  
His eyes are clouded with unshed tears, he looks upon her as though she is his savior. "Falon'Din." He tells her.

  
Rey smiles, repeating the name back to Ben. She knows very well the meaning of the word but she hadn't thought there would be a planet sharing such a name. Death and Good Fortune. It was the perfect planet for them, the name more than fitting.

  
Rey cannot stop crying, it isn't sorrow that moves them, it's joy. What a strange thing, crying from happiness. "And this is something you would want?" 

  
Tears finally begin spilling from Ben, "Yes."

  
And so their path was set.

  
Rey cranes forward, capturing his lips with hers. Their kiss tastes of salt and cathartic hope. Ben melts into her, a solid mass that molds into the shape of her. His tongue brushes along her lower lip, slipping inside when her lips part in acceptance. When Ben tilts the angle of their heads, Rey can feel the scratch of his stubble against her sensitive skin.

  
The feeling was intoxicating and all consuming, but Rey wanted them to lose themselves in something grander. She breaks their kiss, a string of spit still connecting them as Rey whispers. "When was the last time you touched yourself."

  
His hips jerk against her with restraint, as though he was suddenly reminded by the hardened issue between them. The friction is shocking, sending sparks shooting through her vision. Ben's eyes are dark, jaw slack as he whispers the truth. "On Takkodana, while I was in the 'fresher. I thought about you while I did it."

  
Oh, how that makes her cunt throb. Almost as intense as actual stimulation. "And before that?" She asks.

Ben swallows, "I was 23."

His first orgasm in six years was spent alone in a 'fresher. He deserved so much better. Rey arches into him, lips hovering over his. Her hand weaves down his torso, lower and lower until her fingertips are met with the waistband of his trousers. "Let's make up for lost time then."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello!! upped the chapter count again!! adding more smut scenes!!
> 
> it's been a minute and i'm sorry about that, my surgery didn't go well :( my last surgery is janurary 7th and if i never upload again pls assume that my doctor successfully killed me bc i'm pretty sure that's what he's building up to.
> 
> but if i don't die, then all will be well!! there is more angst and communication and smut to come!! Rey's mom is almost in the story so thats awesome!! this is going to be great!!


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for your well wishes!! they mean the world to me!!! <3 <3 <3 <3

Rey kept her touch featherlight on Ben's skin. There was a small patch of coarse hair spaces below his navel that thickened the farther down she went. 

A shuddering breath escaped Ben, his olive brown eyes darkened with want. He watched Rey with a burning intensity while she meticulously trailed her fingers along the hem of his trousers.

The bond around them pricks and tingles with the anticipation built from her touch. The lazy haze of a warm afterglow quickly ascending into a renewed flame of arousal. The sensation rushes through them, it surrounds them. Both rising to a higher state with each touch of skin, with every hot brush of the other's breath.

Yet, they do not move. 

They linger in the space between.

Rey holds his stare as she continues her exploration of Ben's body. Only touching the flesh that has been exposed to her, her delicate touch never reaching for the place he most needs her.

It is, however, when she wanders close, that Ben moves. His large hand clasping around her wrist, stilling all her movements.

Ben presented his voice as a man with endless control, but the desperation in his expression betrayed him entirely. "Don't," His tongue dips out to wet his lower lip, Rey is close enough to him to feel a phantom touch of it. "Don't, force yourself to do anything you don't want to. Not for anyone, not for me."

He wasn't pushing her away, Rey knew him better than to think that. Ben was giving her an out, one free of judgment or expectation. 

But Rey didn't need an out, 

"I want this, do you?" She whispered against his lips.

Ben's response preceded an illicit kiss. The touch of his lips and the brush of his breath encompassing her in their sensations. It was everything, like being lost in a wondrous landscape with a glowing golden thread to guide her home.

When Ben breaks their kiss, he tells her in a low, possessive growl, " _I've never wanted anything more than I want you_."

A pastel blush colored her face while a victorious smile pulled on her lips. Rey wiggled the hand still retained by Ben, even managing to twist her wrist enough to slip her fingertips under his waistband.

That's as far as Rey got before Ben flexed his fingers on her forearm, and nudged her nose with his.

Rey returned her attention back to his eyes, those dark eyes that claim her with every glace spared her way. 

"Not yet, _cyar'ika._ First, I need you to come again." Ben watches for her reaction, "Think we can do that?"

Rey felt as though she were swallowing her own smile as her high pitched response sounded "Yeah, alright."

Ben's smile graced her lips with a chaste kiss.

A kiss that moved in a dotted line over her chin and down her throat, the path only straying when Ben reached her chest, then his lips press against a cluster of freckles just over the swell of her left breast.

His detour only stalled him for so long, in time, Ben's returned to kissing down her the space between her breasts, down her abdomen -

Rey's gasp when his lips lock around her clit fails in comparison to the sigh of relief that leaves Ben. She can feel in both the bond and his body how he physically relaxes with his face pressed back into her cunt. As though he was where he was always meant to be.

It's a small reprieve of delicate shock and small testing laps of his tongue -

Then, Ben _feasts_ on her like a man on the brink of starvation.

He works his lips over her clit, rolling it between them with a sinful pleasure while his tongue flicked wet circles on the tight bundle of nerves.

It's so much at once, electric and addictive. Rey arches her back, angling her hips to allow Ben better access, but the next flick of his tongue has Rey involuntarily bucking against his face.

Ben is merciless in his endeavor, yet Rey doesn't find herself overwhelmed with the experience as she had previously. She matches his energy, gyrating against his tongue.

Rey is able to thrive in the building wonder pulsing through her body. Ben takes note of her arousal as well, moaning into her cunt as he drinks up the evidence of her pleasure. His fingers dig crescent moons into her hips as he encourages every thrust and grind that Rey's body demands.

They are playing with a fire that has spread throughout their bodies, it's settled into the forefront of their brains, not even the bond is immune to the heat as both Rey and Ben weave themselves into this moment.

This is no time, no pain, and no cold.

Only endless stars, the massage of Ben's tongue, -

-and the _tight_ pressure of his fingers slipping inside of her.

While Ben easily pumps his fingers, he whispers that word repeatedly against her cunt, along with other words and praises of endearment. _'Cyar'ika, you are everything, cyar'ika, you taste divine, cyar'ika, you are my sun, cyar'ika, cyar'ika, cyar'ika.'_

It was as though the word was specially created for her, Rey's heart pounded every time it left his lips. His fingers crook and find a spot that brings Rey such euphoria that she cries out. Every praise he sings coiling low in her stomach, every moment that passed only bringing Rey higher and higher until she's completely left her body.

Her orgasm rocks through her as though it had ripped a hole between time and space, her eyes are lost in an explosion of stars, the only thing still grounding Rey to the galaxy was Ben's hold on her.

She's a mess of shaking limbs and babbles of _'yes, yes, Ben yes,_ '. She calls his name, or screams it, Rey isn't actually sure.

Never the less, Ben's mouth doesn't leave her cunt until he feels the last flutter and pulse. Even then, his mouth is only pulled away for a second before returning with a final sloppy, _wet_ kiss.

His fingers leave her with a filthy sound, Rey lays limp and satisfied under him, watching through hooded eyes as he sucks her arousal off his fingers. The sight is enough to have a lingering touch of lust burn lightly within her.

It's a good thing then that they aren't finished.

Ben moves to finally remove his trousers, stopping only with a silent question, a tilt of his head. He waits for another confirmation from Rey to continue, and she is so spent that she can only nod her head.

Laying in wait as the anticipation wakes her up from the afterglow.

With one smooth move, Ben is bare before her, his cock springing free. _Thick_ and flushed an angry _red._

Rey knew, in theory, what a man would look like naked, but she still finds herself speechless and flustered. Even when she had felt the outline of his cock through his trousers, she hadn't expected it to be, so nervewracking and _big._

"Are you alright, cyar'ika?" Ben's voice of concern isn't enough to steal Rey's gaze. She's still present enough to respond, but there are no words. More of a pitchy, embarrassing whine. She's once again nodding her head, the only confirmation she can give him.

He watches her face intensely, waiting a few moments longer before placing himself between Rey's thighs. Ben's hands move her legs to accommodate, encouraging them to hook around his waist. His cock is so close to her waiting sex.

The bone in his throat bobs as Ben swallows. "Rey," he breaths, "I...I still want us to wait, until we arrive on Falon'Din, but this should...." He's honest in the way he speaks, both of them so ready to explore each other's bodies but still dealing with the awkwardness that can come with it.

Rey, overcoming the impossible, whispers, " _It's alright, come on_." She reaches for him in kind. One hand reaching for his bicep while the other paws at his chest.

Ben lets out a stream of breath through parted lips, then guides his hips forward.

His cock touches just above her entrance, a whimper sits deep in Rey's chest at the contact. Far above her, a ragged moan is what tears through Ben. Then, added pressure and adjustment from Ben see that his shaft moved to seamlessly glide along her slit.

He rocked his hips back and forth, slowly. The pace was _tortuously_ slow as Ben allowed the natural movements to coat his cock with her arousal. Steadily thrusting until the head of his cock made contact with her clit.

It was, indescribable, how _erotic_ the touch felt.

Ben continued moving in similar thrusts, not stopping until the rhythm was steady and stimulating them both equally.

Rey clutched his form desperately, clinging to him as his cock pumped along her sex, drowning in the lone feeling until his lips came crashing down upon her. She is lost in the burning kiss, every taste of Ben burning deep into her senses, her skin mesmerizes every touch, every caress. All of it absorbed into her, a living history of every act yet to come.

" _Fuck_ ," Ben moans while his cock slides along her dripping cunt, the pace only broken when Ben stopped to grind his pelvis against her clit. Rey would choke on something close to a sob as a bright cosmos burst across her vision. "Oh, cyar'ika." She swallows his praise and whispers the word back to him.

He _ravishes_ her mouth, breathing in her every gasp and whimper. The slick sounds of their rutting perfectly echoed by the wet smack of their lips. Even after making her come once already, he still works their rhythm to satisfy Rey first.

Rey whimpers, gyrating against Ben's thrusts as her peek comes back into sight. Just beyond her as she ascends, like a starship traveling at light speed, faster and faster until a new world has arrived.

Ben thrusts erratic as Rey breaks again, "That's right," He huffs into her gasping mouth, "Come for me," 

Her body is shaking and trembling in the aftershocks, clutching onto Ben. He speeds the movements of his hips, and just when the slide of his cock becomes too much against her sensitive sex, he slams his body against hers. Warm ropes of come shooting across both their stomachs.

Rey blinks away the light tears that have clouded her eyes, she blinks them away while she sucks in breath. She can feel his come, so warm against her skin. "You did so good," Rey whispers, tightening her hold on him, "You did so good, _cyar'ika."_

There's a hitch in his breathing when she calls him that. A small, quiet moment follows until Rey feels Ben's smile press into the corner of her mouth. "As did you, _cyar'ika."_

He moves faster than Rey can, rolling over onto his back, dragging Rey with him until she's laid on top of his chest where she's crushed in his embrace.

Jakku's sun is streaming into her old home now, lighting up the golden sand that surrounds them as well as the glittering dust. They dance in the rays of light, an ever moving constellation. As though the stars had been submerged into an ocean. 

It wouldn't be long now, until they would make their way to Niima.

There was so much left to be done, her journey not yet over -

But Rey takes her intermission, and buries her face into Ben's neck, breathing him in. He in kind lightly kisses her forehead, whispering praises and devotions onto her so true that they sounded like scripture.

✨✨✨

In the passing hours, she fears that something will go wrong. As they detangle themselves from each other, Rey's hands shake with the anxiety to head out immediately. Ben is the one who tells her in an assured voice that all will be taken care of.

He cleans the splashes of his come from her stomach, he brings them rations from their ship. He walks around with a glow on his skin and a renewed light in his eyes.

Ben kisses her skin again, light and loving while he helps her dress. He sits behind her, braiding her hair without invitation. Rey can only sit, chewing on her nails while she plans out their next moves carefully.

Yet she's too lost in her own head. With every passing second, she is thrown back and forth between who she used to be and the woman she was becoming. There is no plan that guides her when she and Ben reboard _The Sun._

"Rey," He says her name unlike anyone else, taking her hand in his.

His lips are parted, as though there is more he's to say, but -

Neither of them were prepared for the search they were undertaking. There was nothing to say when neither of them knew for sure that there was any information that could aid them.

Rey and Ben were heading out for the outpost, blind and followed by the shadow of fear.

✨✨✨

  
They land just outside of Niima outpost.


End file.
